I Blame Myself For Not Saving My Mothers Life

My mother died of cancer. The tumor caused an artery to burst. I was the one who found her unconscious and tried to help her until an ambulance arrived.

I stayed with her trying to keep her awake until paramedics arrived. I filled them in with what happened and let them take over. A family member asked me if I told them she was diabetic. I told them the paramedics should know. I believe I said this because I told them on the phone or when they arrived. This was a few years ago so I don’t really recall. I was very frantic and worried so I don’t recall 100% and I was just so overwhelmed at the time when the family member asked me.

After she was pronounced dead at the hospital I began thinking maybe there was something I could’ve said that would’ve made a difference. Maybe there was something, I’m not a doctor but maybe there was something with her diabetes that caused the artery to burst. I play these what if games whenever I think of her. Maybe if I could’ve said something that would save her life.

I expressed that worry to my family and they insist that nothing could be done and the cancer was ultimately a death sentence. I told them maybe if I told them more info about her case they’d save her but they said there was no saving her and in the future just try to remember to say what you know.

A part of me knows, yes there was nothing that could’ve stopped the tumor from rupturing that artery but the other half I can’t let go that I couldn’t do more to help my mother in her time of need. That’s the part that haunts me. The frustration that I didn’t handle the panic better in the moment and maybe there was something I missed that could’ve saved her but didn’t.

I feel like I let her down. I feel her disappointment in me ever since the day she died. I feel like I wasn’t a good child to her when she needed me most.