My husband raped me ...

and I loved it. That is the problem. When I am honest with myself, I loved it. We had a nasty argument a few days ago and things got out of hand. I told him that I am done and I am leaving. I started to pack my things. I spent almost and hour packing and when I was leaving, he grabbed me sand said "You cant go!" I said yes I can and I will. He said "no because I will die," I told him go to hell.

As I was trying to call Uber, he pinned me to the bed and started kissing and sweet talking about how much he loves me and yada yada. I was like "Get off of me and fuck off" but he would not listen. Then he had sex with me while I was telling him to Eff off! But in the middle, I get very, very aroused and we had amazing sex. Once it was over he asked me "do you still want to leave." I was like shut up. We slept together and the earlier argument was forgiven.

But in principle, as I look back, I did not want it. He violated my consent and made me change my mind in the middle of it all. I know I should be angry but I am not. I orgasmed 4 times and I was really glad he did what he did. I woke up thinking I love him so much. Is it a bad thing that I love my rapist so much? Do I need therapy so that I may see him for what he is or should I just enjoy it and "Middle finger to principles?"