Wanting my ex back when I shouldn’t.

Well I was with my ex for ten years. Our anniversary is less than a month away and I’m missing him. Five months ago he tells me his female friend and coworker was moving into the apartment below us. I was suspicious. I checked her Facebook and found pictures of her in our apartment at night. He denied it getting physical, I knew it was a lie but assumed it was just that once. Anyway- fast forward during reconciliation he does cheat again with someone else. And to top it off the first girl ends up telling me they slept together multiple times, so I left him. That was 2 months ago, it took him two weeks to find another girl. And yet I guess with the holidays and our anniversary coming up I’m missing him. So I asked for a chance and he told me he’d never want to be with me again because of the way I handled his infidelity. I feel pathetic and stupid for embarrassing myself and even wanting that type of person back. He was my first and only and I was his first too. I guess I wanted to believe that person was still in there somewhere. UGH