I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Pretty_yayflow. She posted in r/AITAH

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest Update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warnings: >!baby-trapping; verbal/emotional abuse; coercive control; not allowing someone to leave!<

Mood Spoiler: >!scary but OOP is safe!<

Original Post: December 9, 2024

I (23f) made a post a couple days ago on here talking about a joke my fiancé made at thanksgiving which concerned me. That post got taken down (locked). This is a repost/ update.

I (23f) have been with my fiancé (26m) for 3 years, we met whilst I was on holiday and a few weeks after, he followed me on instagram and the rest is history. We got engaged last year and a month later found out I was pregnant. We have a beautiful 6 month old. We hosted Thanksgiving this year and my fiancé was drinking quite heavily and after dinner me and my mom were talking about the wedding, which my parents are paying for, I over heard my fiancé tell my brother who was just as drunk as him that “he needed to tie me down and get me pregnant before I realised what a dickhead he was” they laughed it off but it rubbed me the wrong way because our baby was not planned, i wasn’t ready for a child and we were using condoms but after a few instances where the condom broke i decided it would be safer if I got on birth control.

The first month on bc I got pregnant, we were told that could happen and he said he would pull out to be safe but I still got pregnant. I was scared asf but I personally didn’t want to get an abortion (I 100% believe in the right to get an abortion I just didn’t want one) and so decided to keep the baby. I work for my dad’s company and my fiancé works at a country club money wasn’t necessarily why i didn’t want a baby I just wanted to do more before I started a family. I spoke to my fiancé about what he said and at first he said he didn’t remember saying it which was believable because of how drunk he was but then he said it was just a joke and it was meant as a compliment because I’m so amazing.

So I said ok good because we’re getting a prenup- I was just joking but I was also wanted to see how he reacted and he was pissed! He said why the fuck would he sign a prenup that we have a baby together, a house together and that he would not sign one, how we wouldn’t need one because we’re never separating and that me mentioning a prenup is insulting and emasculating. I never felt threatened or anything like that but he did make me uncomfortable and he woke our baby up so I told him to leave which he did.

The day after I kicked my him out he sent me a long apologetic message about how it was out of character of him to get loud which it was he’s never acted like that before and I replied saying I appreciate the apology but I still just need a day or two to think everything through. The next day he sent a bouquet to the apartment, Sunday he sent me a booking confirmation of a massage he booked for me at the club and offered to come over to watch our son and cook dinner. Tonight he’s sent me a message saying that I’m being an a-hole and that I’m taking a meaningless joke to heart and that he’s wasting money he could be saving for the wedding on the hotel. But now things that went over my head before, I’m starting to think is sus but breaking up my family over this doesn’t seem right. Am i over thinking this/ being an a-hole?

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: If you have a house together, why is he sending flowers to the apartment?

OOP: We closed on a house but we’re staying at my apartment until the lease is up

Commenter: Please please please DO NOT marry him. Call off this relationship.

He wants you barefoot and pregnant. RUN!!!

The pill is super easy to tamper with. All your ex needs to do is microwave your birth control pills for a short time and your birth control pills are completely useless.

OOP: I didn’t know this wow
I never even considered him doing anything like that, I take them like clockwork so it definitely wasn’t that I missed a day or anything like that

Commenter: I haven't seen it said yet but you mentioned having 2 trust funds, one that you got when you were 18. Does he know this??? Think about it!!! If you don't have a prenup, he'll have access to that trust fund. Don't be naive!!! And the condom??? COME ON!!! He totally baby trapped you!!! WAKE UP!!!!

OOP: Yeah he knows about the trust fund, he was at my brothers 18th. Where my dad said to him not to spend all his money at once and he asked if all the siblings got one, which we did

Update/Edit: December 10, 2024 (Next Day, Same Post)

UPDATE: A lot of people were asking for context, when I said I wanted a prenup at the time i wasn’t being serious maybe I was being an ah trying to get a reaction but based on the 3yrs we’ve been together I would’ve never imagined he’d react the way he did.

Why did the joke bother me so much, about a yr ago he lost his job. He was never really clear why, for the next 3/4 months he didn’t really do much he said he’s was trying to figure out what he wanted to do next and that was the first time he brought up having kids indicating that he was ready, we had a candid conversation on my part about how I want kids just not anytime soon, I enjoy my job, I had trips planned and i wanted to be married first he agreed with me that we should wait 3/4 years.

My dads company got a contract at the club which is how he got his job there, but during the time he was out of work my girls would joke that he’s a stay at home boyfriend and that I’m the provider and he’d be a stay at home dad because I was paying the bills/ rent by myself which at the time didn’t bother me I used to live there by myself before we got together so it wasn’t a big deal but I guess it was them that first made me question.

Tbh I don’t know how long the condoms were breaking a lot of people are saying they’ve never had them break and I can’t say I remember it ever happening before. I noticed the first time that it looked like it had split and then i checked it the next time that was also broken which is when i decided to get an iud. Which he didn’t want me to, but I stood my ground and we compromised and i got on the pill. I know we should of continued using condoms but he said he’d ran out and that I’m on the pill and don’t need them, In hindsight yes I should have insisted we still used them but I choose not to have that battle, I thought we’d be ok.

He knew my opinion on abortion and that I wouldn’t get one, if I got pregnant I would raise the baby unless it was for a medical reason. Money wise my family’s successful. I work for my dad’s company I have 2 trust funds one of which I got at 18. Before I fell pregnant I was making plans to start my own house flipping business but I decided to put that on hold. I still work from home on flexible hours but he’s said once we’re married he wants me to stop working so I can focus on our kids and that he’ll support us but I’ve never really liked that idea mainly because, although I’ve never had to worry about money my parents always taught us the importance of financial stability and my moms always said to never be financially dependent on anyone. Plus my fiancés current salary I’m not sure would cover all of our expenses.

The only reason why I haven’t told my dad is because they have a good relationship and I don’t wanna blow everything up over an overreaction on my part.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Don't you think there was a reason he didn't want you to get an IUD? He can't tamper with that, but he did with the latex.

OOP: He sent me a few things where people iuds went wrong and yeah I probably should’ve gone with my gut but he convinced me the pill would be the best option. But I did speak to my mom because he’s come back home

Commenter: The real problem is him not supporting your career. He should be supporting your business and your job, not making you be a stay at home housewife. That's ridiculous. Yes, mothers with young children can still start businesses, but they have to be appropriately supported.

Can you say he can give you that support?

OOP: Probably not he’s been quite blunt in that he doesn’t think i could do both effectively and after our son was born he said he didn’t want a large age gap between kids

Update Post: December 12, 2024 (3 days from OG post)

I 23f made a post last week about a joke my fiancé (26m) made at thanksgiving while drunk, to everyone that hasn’t seen my older post. He joked that he got me pregnant to tie me down and i didn’t know what to make of it, so i posted on here to get outside opinions. I didn’t want to initially talk to my friends or family about it because they’re all quite close to him and i didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill and cause drifts in there relationships.

Yesterday we had a conversation about where I was at but he said he couldn’t go back to the hotel because they kicked him out for smoking in the room, he stopped smoking while I was pregnant but he said i was stressing him out, so he had to stay at the apartment. While I was otp to one of my girls in the bedroom he came in and took the phone off me and told me to come and eat, while we was eating he said that he understood what I said and that things need to change for us to move forward he then proceeded to list all the things I needed to do to make things better, his tone the whole conversation was just making me uneasy.

I texted my dad saying that he was making me uncomfortable when he wasn’t looking. I went to check on the baby and when I came back I saw him take my keys out my purse but didn’t say anything. He took my silence as agreement to everything he said and went to bed (instead of the couch like we had agreed) like everything was normal I stayed in the living room and my dad bless him drove 6 hours to come and get us. My dad got to the apartment around 5 this morning while my fiancé was still sleeping and we left.

Me and my son are at my parents house now, my fiancés been blowing up my phone since this morning I sent a text to him as we were driving off saying he wasn’t respecting the fact that I needed space and time to just figure everything out, so he could stay in the apartment and I’ll stay at my parents. We haven’t officially broken up or called the wedding off my parents who’ve paid for it have said that they don’t care if I wanna call it off but I feel bad.

But I just wanna say thank you to everyone who replied to my original post and private messaged me i didn’t think people would care about me. I feel like every option I have is bad, the thought of being a single mom is scary, if my fiancés behaviour gets worse that would be shit, if we cancel the wedding and cost my parents thousands of dollars I’ll feel guilty and if we break up all together we just got a house together we’re both on the mortgage, our joint accounts and I’ve been with him since I was 19 being without him for good is also scary.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: [...] This guy is bad news. Got you pregnant, 'laid down the law', and hid your car keys.

Don't feel bad about your parents being out of money for what they have spent. From what you told us about his latest stunt and your friends commentary about him, trust us they are pleased as punch that he finally revealed himself to you in terms that you can't ignore.

I'm guessing they have been biting their tongues but despite their angst at your choice, chose to respect it and support it.

OOP: They said that they didn’t like how we was getting so serious too fast or how he moved in to my apartment but then I got pregnant so they didn’t want to seem unsupportive

Commenter: OP, listen to this. ^^^

1. Condoms kept breaking. That so rarely happens that it happening more than once is SUPER sus.
2. He freaked out over you getting an IUD: a birth control method completely out of his control. Bc he can break condoms and steal/replace/mess with your pills, but there's nothing he can do about an IUD.
3. He refused to wear condoms your first month on the pill, even though YOU ASKED HIM TO. Yes, you agreed to go ahead without, but ... on that score alone I'd leave. He couldn't hold out for ONE MONTH?
4. You got pregnant during that first month.
5. When you confronted him about his "joke" and "joked" back, he lost his shit and scared you.
6. He disrespected your boundary: he couldn't smoke outside? That was the only hotel in the entire region? He has no friends whose couches he can sleep on? Just no.
7. He took your phone away (why did you let him?)
8. He made it YOUR responsibility to fix the relationship.
9. His tone scared you.
10. He stole your keys.
11. He disrespected another boundary (sleeping in the bed.)

OP, how many red flags do you need? Do not go back to him. THAT'S why he got you pregnant in the first place: so you wouldn't leave him. LEAVE. HIM.

OOP: He took my phone to get me off the call, i didn’t expect him to literally come and take it out my hand, he gave it back when i came out the room he just did it to get my attention
As a separate comment:
I left with none of my stuff only essentials for my son, I will have to go back but my dad said he & my brother will go today

Commenter (next day): hey OP? if you feel guilty about your parents having paid for stuff, cancel what you can and have a "good riddance" party with your friends and family with what you can't cancel.

OOP: My moms been cancelling things from this morning. The weddings off

Commenter: Your head is probably spinning from everything, so sorry you’re going thru this. 

What’s happening to you is called betrayal trauma, it’s easy for women to start to tune out our instincts but this is a lesson on how real your instincts are. Thank god you realized before you married him, he let the mask slip off too much but from an outsiders perspective it’s clear this was just the start. 

It takes the avg women 7 times to leave an abusive relationship because we get sucked back in by promises and small sample data of changes. Be strong, get a therapist, lean on your community and heal. If you go back he can start displaying more desperate behavior like what you saw with the keys and it can get dangerous very fast. He saw you as his life raft and now his life has capsized. 

OOP: Heavy on the lean on my community I had the first honest and open conversation with my mom for the first time in a long time and I feel so different and so much better. My head was a mess and Reddit probably wasn’t the best place to talk about it but it’s anonymous and it felt good to get it out