I realised it now (Letter to my ex)

My dearest xxx I think I'm starting to understand it now. I was selfish, and only thought of my needs. Instead of putting your needs first or paying attention. I would love to say that I've changed but I'm not there yet. I need time. I'm working hard though on becoming a better me for everyone around me. To embrace stoicism to control my thoughts. To be more considerate and less impulsive. To place others on the first place before mine. I hope to see you next weekend. I think I'll be able to give back your stuff and also have better insights to my ways. I was too late to change for us. Thank you for being the catalyst that triggered me. The loss of you made me reflect truly on what my faults were. How much I hurt people, and don't take responsibility. The moment you stepped out, I stepped up again. I allowed myself to think ah, I'm in a relationship now. I don't have to work on myself. I let my anxiety go rampant and let myself go, thinking you'll be there to fix it. My focus was on us and I was happy to only have us. The loss of you, broke me. But I'll never be that girl anymore. I don't want that. Thank you for breaking up with me. I wasn't the best version of myself. I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry with all my heart. I'm working on it. Not for you. I should've been her but no one had challenged my thinking like you did. I still love you so much, I hope your smiling. I hope your happy. I hope your relieved.

You and your family deserve the world. You deserve the best present. I just don't know what to get you. I'll get you a restaurant voucher... I dunno. But anyways. I love you. Thank you for your love. Your kindness, for being the example I needed. You deserve more

(I truly wish he'll take me back one day, but that's something out of my control. I don't know if we'll be together but he made me better for it. The memories we share are beautiful and he'll be the one that got away)