The letter to my ex I'll never send

Imagine breaking up with your recently disabled girlfriend on Christmas, her favorite holiday because you “lost feelings” when life got hard.

Or was it really the strain of my new body’s limitations? Because I cut off intimacy a few weeks ago to preserve what little energy I had left? Oh, wait you said you weren’t even into me after that. Nevermind, couldn’t be that, right?

I believed you when you called me your soulmate, told me we’d figure everything out together, and promised I was your future wife.

When you gave me a promise ring not even two weeks prior, were you already planning to leave me? Were those smiles fake as we sat together laughing and watching Christmas movies?

You don’t give up on someone just because feelings waver. Love is a commitment, a choice you make every single day. You didn’t choose me you abandoned me at my most vulnerable, at my darkest hour. You left when I needed you most.

You even stood by and let your friend ridicule me in an ambulance while my life was flashing before my eyes. When I attempted to end my life, your friend screamed at me, telling me to “grow the fxx up and be a big girl, life sucks” and “stop hiding behind trauma.” And you? You agreed with them, calling me selfish for having attempted. Yet that same friend gets called dad by teenagers on the internet and unironically calls themselves alpha wolf.

But oh wait, you two survived a top secret military experiment as the sole survivors to a program that pretended to be a summer camp. Right? How dare I disrespect your “brother in arms” , apologies I forgot you two drove tanks and played with land mines between 10-16 in a secret government program your parents enlisted you in due to your supernatural abilities (wish I was making this shit up 💀).

Then there was your ex-the one you promised not to contact one-on-one. I found the deleted phone calls and texts. She had the audacity to call me “crazy,” and you told me to get over it because she’s your “best friend.” And you don’t play these “mind games” with me when I said it’s either me or her a few days before the breakup.

Really? Where was she when you were drunk out of your mind? Where was she when you burned your dick and refused the ER, leaving me to help with first aid? Where was she when you were awaiting to hear results about your colon (that you claimed you got diagnosed with cancer years ago & neglected). Who celebrated with you when the blood results came back normal? Who helped you quit vaping, who convinced you to shower more? Who made you a supplement plan because you hated “big pharm” and “evil vaxxing doctors”. Causing you to become healthier? (allievated a lot of his daily symptoms almost immediately) Who helped you clean your truck that you had been sitting in filth for years (hoarders level) and kept you accountable to clean until it became routine? Who spent hours calling local shelters (he didn’t know I did this) when your cat ran away after you stupidly neglected her health (refused to get her fixed claimed he had no money meanwhile spent said money on a pixel game from the 90s) .

You asked me out when I was able-bodied and thriving, but the moment my life got harder, you bailed. You complained that I had “problems every day.” My life no longer had easy days, so you left.

You made me financially dependent on you for my medical expenses, convinced me to lean on you even as I told you no and refused to take your money multiple times, you’d send me it and block me from sending it back, you promised you’d always be there for me and would never leave me. But when I finally leaned into it, you pulled away and complained I took advantage. (meanwhile I have receipts of you practically demanding I take the money and you wouldn’t take no for an answer).

You discarded me like I was nothing. While I sobbed and begged for answers, you sat there hollow and robotic, offering no comfort or humanity-just a cold, empty version of the man I thought love me as much as I had him.

You didn’t even have the decency to end things in person. A text. While we were video chatting after I opened Christmas presents. That’s what I was worth to you? You canceled the gifts you got me that were supposed to arrive the next day (if you even ordered any, extremely doubtful) That’s what I was worth to you? Not that I’m surprised-you forgot my birthday and couldn’t even be bothered to get me a card. But oh right.. it’s my fault for being impatient, it’s also my fault for not getting over it months later right? (after you promised to make it up to me).

When I begged you to reconsider, to fight for us, you ghosted me. You blocked my number, uninstalled socials, and left me to watch you doom-scroll and retweet violent videos on the X account you didn't know I had access to. That’s more peaceful than facing the pain you caused?

Well, I’ll confirm it for you: we’re done. On MY terms, not your cowardly ones. Not on your timeline, where you run away when things get hard. You don’t get to revoke the pain you caused or the way you treated me. I deserved better, and I will get better.

For every broken promise, every lie, and for using me until I no longer served your needs this is your legacy in my life. You didn’t leave because you “lost feelings.” You left because I wasn’t convenient for you anymore if any bit of you truly loved me you wouldn't have gotten involved to begin with. (I told him countless times when we first met I only wanted to be friends, he lovebombed me, eventually I gave in)

Good riddance. I deserved better than you, and I’ll make sure I give that to myself.

*Other Vile Things You've Done*

• After I confided in you about one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, you had the audacity to say, “I mean, that’s terrible, but I can see why that happened to you. You’re hot, so I’m not surprised.” That level of insensitivity is beyond disgusting and unforgivable
• You repeatedly called me Mexican, even though I told you countless times that my family is Caribbean. You dismissed my heritage and identity like it didn’t matter
• Calling me your "little vegetable"? Saying you'd "throw me over your shoulder" or that I was "weak" whenever I stood up for myself? Those words weren’t playful; they were belittling and dismissive of my autonomy and strength
• You used your addictions pxxn, alcxhxl, and hide at work as escapes from the chaos you created in every aspect of your life. Instead of addressing your issues, you doubled down on them, leaving others to pick up the pieces including me (no more!)

You’ve shown time and time again that you lack empathy, self-awareness, and courage to face your flaws or the harm you’ve caused (maybe you just dont care). I’ve finally realized that loving you was a burden I never should have carried, Goodbye.