Tired

It’s hard when they weren’t all bad. They had their hot moments along with cold. Those hot moments made me believe in us.

The thing is I became more anxious the more they pulled away, kept things from me, and their words and actions didn’t align.

The weirdest part is that they would turn everything around onto me, so the things I felt I was experiencing with them, they said they were experiencing the same thing with me. I’m still confused by this, because yes I became increasingly anxious and insecure which I acted on during the peak of the dance of anxious/avoidant, but generally I communicated my experiences, needs, expectations, thoughts, & feelings. I also took ownership of my mistakes and insecurities, and did everything I could to grow/learn. Something they didn’t do but say they would do.

When they first talked of breaking up/going on a break I wanted to talk it out over the course of a few days & see what was best. After our last conversation, we were still not 100% clear because they wanted a breakup and I asked if a break was possible and they didn’t say no but it was left at that so I had to assume they wanted to breakup, but they didn’t check in on me to see if I was okay or follow up. I texted a few days later asking to talk, they said they’d love to, but then quickly redacted the phone call and texting to push it off to another day. However, they got to say their piece via text and said they’d “give it a read” when I responded… I felt defeated. I didn’t respond for 2 weeks & had my friend reach out to coordinate exchanging our things.

It’s not like me to ghost so I sent another message explaining why it hurt so bad to lose them suddenly & how I felt unseen and undervalued. I wanted a healthy conversation about moving forward. No reply.

I didn’t think I was that bad, even though I had my insecure moments. I did everything I could to own up to my behavior & so much of it was a reaction to their behavior.