Living with acne scars

This feels suffocating. I’m a 23-year-old woman, and I won’t lie I know I’m attractive. I have a beautiful gym body (I work out five times a week), long, healthy hair, and I’m studying dentistry. I have amazing family and friends. I have so many dreams, and I want to create beautiful memories outside my head. But I just can’t.

I started developing severe acne when I was 18, and it left me with these hideous boxcar scars on my cheeks. Since 2020, I’ve been hiding my face behind my hair. I’ve tried almost everything: CO2 laser, microneedling, subcision, TCA cross, chemical peels... but it feels like nothing works.

I don’t have a dating life because I can’t accept how my face looks. I don’t let anyone see my scars (though I know they still do). All I think about, every single day, is how my face looks in different lighting. I don’t have social media, I can’t take pictures, and I’ve grown grumpy and harsh toward my loved ones because I’m so miserable.

I feel isolated from the world, even though I want to live desperately. I want it so badly. But these scars… they won’t let me. I ask the universe every day why I have to go through this. Why are acne treatments so ineffective? I don’t even want perfect skin, I just wish I could see some results. It’s exhausting and so burdensome.

The happiest moments I have are after a treatment, when there’s some temporary swelling, and I can imagine what my life would be like if my skin stayed that way.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I don’t have anything good to say. I just saw my reflection in a car window in broad daylight, and now I just want to hide forever in my room.