I don't know how it happened, but I don't have anyone.

My favorite sister died. My mom became an addict. My oldest sister became maga and an alcoholic. I still had my second favorite sister and two best friends, but I've been struggling so bad for so long that I stopped telling my friends. I thought I could just wait for things to get better and then get back to normal. That was months ago. Over the holidays my second favorite sister decided to become intolerable . I won't go into it, but she's had mental health issues, alcohol and drug use, etc. I'm alone now. Unfortunately, several factors over the last couple weeks have had a significant impact on my mental health. I've struggled with intrusive thoughts of suicide in the past, but never this much. I've had several rounds of TMS for depression, take several medications, and go to therapy. I don't understand how I'm still losing this battle. I have a teenage daughter whose words and actions hurt more than usual. I'm not old. 37. I've been single since her dad left when she was a baby, mostly because my mom convinced me to be afraid of predators. I've made so many mistakes. It's crazy, when you're young you think it will all be okay, even if you made it through all those hard times. I wish I had been more careful. Even though I survived those situations they're still there in my head, those experiences as memories. They add up. What's left is a long list of preventable painful memories. I see no way out. I have some safeguards in place. For instance, I won't go without securing my finances, will, funeral arrangements, etc. I'll make every effort to ease the inevitable suffering. But for now I'm willing to continue suffering so they don't have to. How much longer? When will I stop being so alone in this world?