mental health question since i cant go to a therapist

in my 14 years of living i never had a proper friend.stopped trying to understand why a long time ago. everyone either talks behind my back or doesnt talk to me at all.started hs this year and still couldnt make any proper friends outside of acquaintances.i feel like everyone hates me secretly and thinks im crazy. to combat this i started volleyball traing to find girls my age and make friends but first all the other girls had beeb there for wayy longer than me and played better since ive only been training for 2 months and theyve been there for over a year and it makes me feel like they all think im shit and weird.since i was 10 ish ive been cutting parts of my body to deal with the numbness. for 4 years ive had no motivation to get out of bed at all.lost interest in everything and my apetite is non existent now.My main issue is that 1 i have EXTREME short memory loss. i cant remember anything that happened before 5-6 hours at all. The second most important thing is that im in a constant cylce of feeling like im high and on drugs, almost doing every single crazy batshit things you can imagine then feeling extremely numb and about to faint every second. its been draining me for 4 years and as of my 14th age, i can barely get out if bed on a normal day. i tried talking ti my parents and asked to see a therapist or a psychologist but my mom just completely ignored every single alarming shit i told her and my dad said that this was my reality now and that theres no cure.in the last 2 moths my sh and purging addiction got severe. my bodys now filled with puffy red lines everywhere from my shoulders to my uller thighs(cant go further cus of volleyball clothes) and now eating makes me so uncomfortable that i puke it in secret almost instantly. is this depression or something or is this normal/srs