How to cope with guilt?

I just made all of the friends I made during the second half of last year leave due to being a mentally ill, sick in the head weirdo. They all trusted me and I broke that trust. I already tried my best to aplogize and explain what I can, I respect their choices to simply move on from me but I still feel so fucking bad. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I genuinely didn't, nor did I ever have any desires to do any bad stuff, but still, I did. My head is ruined from the internalized trauma that made me like this and now it truly shows. idk what to do now because i cant stop thinking about them, i miss them so so much and it hurts, but i bet it hurts even more for them.

im so disgusting. i dont want to live with myself, not like this. years of therapy and trying to get better down the drain, back to square one. im so done.