feel so embarrassed to be an ugly girl / pre-t

I'm in highschool and I pass well, security guards at school gender me properly and at worst i get clocked as some afab enby but I can't actually socially transition w most ppl i meet because of family . So i go by a girl name when not w friends. I just feel so embarrassed and outcasted all the time in all my classes to have that name and look the way I do, I can't relate to girls around me and i feel failed. I think what worries me is how much of it might be in my head, how i might be doing the excluding and marginalizing myself lol, ppl dont really care enough to do or say anything to me but i assume the worst most times I was with a cis friend once and some guy opened a door and told me "Got you, bro" and I asked my friend if he was making fun of me and my friend was so confused... feel like I just have such a warped victimized view of all my interactions

started dating this handsome cis guy and i just feel so much guilt all the time over it, what must his mom think for her son to be dating a fugly girl like fhhhhffhh im so embarrassed to be seen with him and i feel sad to let that get in the way of things with him

I dont know how to change my thinking to not be like this anymore. I dont want to make myself into a victim, seeing things when its not there

I think my wires are really crossed because i feel like i still have to uphold female standards while looking like a scruffy guy