Reality check

Hey I was just laying here thinking about you, like every other night since I left you and we divorced. Look, I know the odds are stacked way against me of you being here AND recognizing it’s me AND talking to me. I know I wrongfully looked you up like a creep then visited you without your permission. Even though I had good intentions, I now have learned that invading your private space, busting your boundaries was wrong. I’ll definitely never do that again, so thank you for the lesson, I genuinely mean that because I need to learn that I’m not wanted in your life because you have your own relationship and I don’t want to even give the perception that I’m trying anything to intrude on that. I apologize. I am forever grateful for the time we had together, I wish I hadn’t messed it up - it’s something I’ll carry for a long time. So I will gracefully bow out while I still have some dignity. I still think the world of you, I would love to talk to you about life and whatever else you want. I would like for you to be in my life somehow but I kinda think that may be too painful for the both of us - though, that would be really awesome if we could chat again like we used to. I know myself well enough to know and honestly say that if you befriended me, I would probably try to be more than friends. It’s not a lust thing for me, it’s just that, I miss that intimacy. It may not seem like I did while we were together because I was really sick but I actually really did. It was real for me - I just wish I would have put more energy and effort into it with you because I think very highly of you still. I am ashamed of how I acted when I ended things and I feel like the biggest fool in the world to have done so. I know now that I could have saved us with the right energy and effort. The thing is, you are worth it, and I seriously let you down. You deserve a living, interacting, energetic partner who wants to tackle life’s challenges together and I didn’t give you that. I’m a fool for giving you up and discarding you like you were nothing. You aren’t nothing to me for what my word is worth to you. If we ever have another chance to do it over, there are so many aspects I would do differently. I made solemn vows to you that I broke - and now years later I’m still lost. I must be the dumbest man alive.

Anyway, I encourage you to reach out to me if you’re ever in need of a shoulder, or a hug. I promise I’ll behave if we ever find ourselves in that spot. I won’t try to take advantage of your vulnerable state.

I’ll do my best to be there for you if you ever need something - in fact I’d drop everything to go see you, but I won’t say anything unless I’m invited. Take of yourself love, this isn’t goodbye, but I really hope we can talk sometime soon, ok? I want to know you again.

<3<3