A long week

It’s been one week. A whole week without my sweet nugget and sometimes it just doesn’t feel real. Everyday I walk in the front door I look to the right to see if she’s there sitting on the couch in her regular spot. She’s not there anymore. When I’m on the couch; in my head it just feels like she’s not sitting with me right now, or she’s just in another room with someone else. It doesn’t feel real. Until it’s time for her seizure medicine that she took everyday at 6am, 2pm, and 10pm. 

Those are the hardest. Out of I habit I wake up at 6am and get up to go in the kitchen, but I don’t have a reason anymore. When I’m not home I check the time and it’s 2 I want to text someone at home to remind them about her medicine. I don’t have to do that anymore. Instead, at 2pm I just want to cry. At 10pm, I don’t get to take her to the kitchen to get her bed time treats anymore, a little hand full of green beans or blueberries, cause she wouldn’t go to bed without a treat.

I can’t even sleep in my room anymore. I just can’t stand the thought of being in there without her. I slept with her just about every single day since I got her. I don’t even like to walk in my room anymore really. The spot her pee pad was is clean now. That’s probably a weird thing to miss seeing but it’s not there anymore. I have her little fluffy bed there now with her favorite toys and blanket in there.

It feels like everyone else moved on really fast. I just don’t know how I could ever move on; to be honest I don’t want to. I loved her so much as if I had actually birthed her. She was my baby. Before my nugget left me we got two more puppies. I love them, of course, but deep down I just hope that my nugget left her sweet soul in one of them. I just want her to come back to me.

One thing that’s been really tearing me up is she won’t be able to be in wedding like I had dreamed. I wanted her to walk down the aisle as one of my maids of honor and take pictures with her in my dress. When I got engaged over a year ago I was telling everyone Nugget was going to be my maid of honor and wear a pink dress. I don’t know how I’m supposed to let go of this dream.