Damsel Causing Distress - Episode 2 - I Turn Myself In
Note: My (mis)adventures are part of a bigger series, but I wrote my tales in the format of an episodic T.V. show, where you can read an episode without the context of the others and still enjoy it. If you’re new feel free to read this random episode, if you like it you can read the rest, if not, that’s okay too. Context is for wimps. - A tired Theseus
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I was going downtown, as a wanted man, in the same clothes on the fronts of every newspaper in the city, to a building cramped with hundreds of people, a few dozen of which (at least) with me on their minds. Now, that’s my kind of Tuesday, and I didn’t forget my gun.
A hundred thousand Coin. I could buy so much stupid stuff with a hundred thousand Coin. I could buy a late Caelum Carbine with a hundred thousand Coin. I know that if you’re wanted for a crime and try to hand yourself in for the reward you just get arrested. At least last time I checked, and the last time I was arrested.
But, if I hand myself over, and it’s been a day so I’m sure her “feelings” have worn off. Even if they haven’t, I’m not nearly as interesting as she would hope I would be.
What’s the worst that could happen?
If I’m dead by the time you’re reading this I’m still not gonna reveal all of my secrets. My job is being in places when people don’t want me to be, while they are completely oblivious to my existence. Let’s say the trip downtown was great practice and better fun (including a small incident with a window canopy and a fire hydrant).
I sauntered into the lobby of Victory Press. The smell of ink and paper with drinks of all kinds matched nicely with the loud conversations and typing. It was one of the most well organized chaos I’ve ever seen.
I walked up to the front desk. A nine foot tall (2.7 meter) orc fellow sat behind it, he gently pounded at his keyboard. “One moment sir.” The Orcs' eyes narrowed at his computer. His voice was so deep it vibrated my spine straight.
“Your computer revolting against you?” I smiled, what I thought was distant thunder turned out to be his chuckle. Nice.
“No, but it’s certainly on its way there.” I heard the sound of massive teeth grinding against each other like gears on some mountainous machine. “I’m sorry for the wait, now what would you-” He looked down at me. “Oh.” His eyes went wide in the same way almost everyone does when they see a Human.
“I’m told there’s a reward for me, dead or alive.” I smiled.
“Lawrence!” He yelled behind him, he tried to be polite but still almost knocked a few people over with the sheer presence of his voice.
“I’m doing something, in a minute. I’m this close to finding this guy, I know it!” I heard a voice over the chatter, then a slam on a desk in journalistic frustration. The Orc and I gave each other the look you're all imagining.
“I’m closer!” The Orc sighed.
Lawrence stood from his desk to look at his friend. “What are you high on-” He looked at me. “Oh.” He walked closer to me, but still leaned away the whole time.
“Yeah, I get that a lot.” I offered my hand. Lawrence had devil horns and red bat-like wings, more importantly deep black bags under his eyes. Messy black hair, a formally tucked in button up, and a neurotic look about him that confirmed my suspicion he was in fact a great reporter.
Lawrence was still in shock and was put out of his haze when his green friend grabbed his hand and made him shake mine. I was quickly swept up and sat across from him. Everyone else in the open concept office sat around us, especially the supervisors.
Lawrence pulled a tape recorder and a notepad out, in case his handwriting suddenly became illegible or the tape recorder were to randomly combust. His coworkers followed suit. The sound of hundreds of hands fumbled for paper and recorders, it filled what would have been an awkward silence.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like you to introduce yourself.” Lawrence hovered over his paper.
“Alright, I’m Theseus Cain!” I yelled into his tape recorder, like I was a grandparent with no knowledge of technology made past their forties. He and everyone else laughed.
Lawrence started. “Mr. Cain-”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. Definitely not a mister.” I smiled.
“Right, Theseus, before we get to the details, I’ve seen the sales for the last two days' papers and can say confidently that everyone wants to know.” He leaned in closer, and dragged his tape recorder along.
“Know what?” I asked, and already knew what that ‘what’ was gonna be.
“You really didn’t know she was there?” He laughed, confident in his skills to sniff out liars, I’m sure he had lots of practice.
“Really.” I nodded. He studied my face, and paused without his consent. He waved his hands around his face, and tried to say anything that wasn’t an ‘um’ or ‘ah’.
“Princess Ludus is sort of known for having a beauty that can knock down large animals. So respectfully, how?” He waved his arms and wings in perfectly synchronized confusion.
“Too focused on the guns and getting my booty thoroughly whooped.” I laughed and felt a sharp pain in my tailbone. “And in the first place when the paper mentioned Princess Ludus, I thought she was a minor Princess.” Mummers followed my sentence like a clingy toddler.
“Are you lying to me, Theseus?” Lawrence asked with a smile that didn’t fit his blunt words, I felt both disarmed and naked somehow. If I wasn’t telling the truth I would have been nervous too. Damn, he’s good.
“No, I just live under a rock. Hundreds of years ago before the bombs, Earth had lots of Princesses, apart from a few you wouldn’t have been able to tell you walked past one. Thought it was like that. I vaguely knew that the Links had a few royal families but, you know...” I shrugged.
“No, I-” He used his wings to point at the spectators. “No, we really don’t.”
“I just never bothered to remember their names.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes and had the urge to read more books or talk to more people. Though I’m sure a cheeky smile was still on me when I said it anyway.
“Wow, okay.” He tried to comfort me.
“I mean,” I said, I had no idea where this sentence was going. “I remember the Scrarcan family name, but they aren’t royalty, just the most important family in the galaxy or whatever.” I blew a raspberry. The room flinched, everyone dove at their tape recorders and made sure it still worked at the moment.
“Dude, you know this is being recorded right?” Lawrence looked over his shoulder, like a wanted man. “They’re the…”
“Yeah, I know, I know. I’m not really big on the whole authority thing.” I said in the same way I did the last thousand times.
“Right, I don’t know if we can even print that but moving right along.” Lawrence shook it off and muttered something under his breath. “About the brawl with the special forces-”
“They were special forces?!” I looked over my shoulder, like a dead man.
“I assumed so, if they were able to survive a fight with a Human.” Lawrence answered my surprise with confusion and everyone else nodded in agreement.
“No, Jesus you guys really still believe in all that stuff. Which reminds me, and this is very important: it was the gunfire. Avoiding the gunfire was more lucky. In the first place, there wasn’t any gunfire. If they would have gotten a shot off I would be dead.” I explained in the same way one does the weather.
“There wasn’t any gunfire? I have three witnesses that said there was gunfire.” Lawrence flipped through his notes, the rest of the room did too.
“Nope, and I don’t think they were special forces.” I tried to remember, which I was slightly dampened by on account of being struck in the head by a chair, by people of dubious military training yesterday.
“Why?” Lawrence leaned in.
“Because, I saw them.” I smiled.
“Valid point. Okay, we’ll discuss what actually happened in the attempted kidnapping later but now I just want to clarify something you said in the letter you sent us.” He grabbed the newspaper under a stack of papers. “I quote, ‘So if you excuse me I will spend however long it takes for the public to forget about me (two weeks tops) desperately dodging the media and more importantly the Princess.’” He added extra emphasis on those last two words.
“‘While giggling to myself incessantly.’ Yeah, I was proud of myself for coming up with that line.” I patted myself on the back.
“Well you already have a grasp of what it really means to be in the papers. Most people overestimate the public's attention spans so I’ll have to compliment you for that, and also saving the Princess life.” He threw the paper back on his desk.
“However.” I started for him.
“However,” He raised an eyebrow, “what in the world do you mean ‘...and more importantly the Princess.’?” He and everyone else leaned even closer to me.
“Listen, the whole point of me being a private investigator is a simple fact of life.” The sound of a hundred hands writing the same thing filled the silence in my pause. “I’m going to get myself in trouble, I’ve stopped pretending years ago that I don’t love it. I love doing things for the first time, being the underdog and I’ve had this terrible habit of treating people who were bigger and stronger than me like we’re equals. So I may as well be paid for it.”
“However.” He started for me.
“However, she would be the kind of trouble even I can’t handle. Give me men with guns, sword fights, spies and everything that could kill me in between. Responsibility for a person that important, just punch me in the face already. Because quite frankly,” I paused and thought about a certain someone. “I can’t handle Link women.” I laughed.
“Is that so?” I heard a soft voice behind- oh no. I turned and saw Ludus. Obviously, because my luck is only good when it’s funny and even worse when it’s funnier. Ludus smiled warmly at me.
“See what I mean.” I turned to Lawrence. “They just appear out of nowhere, exactly when you just said the most offensive thing possible.” I finished. Nobody dared laugh, I don’t think any had the capacity to feel any emotion other than reverence at the moment.
It was amazing, they all straightened up, fixed their clothes and hair. There was a wave of nervous and quiet prayers to not embarrass themselves in front of royalty. I saw a few women in the back nearly faint. With three words, everyone was on the same page, in perfectly fearful, wonder filled harmony-
“Yo! I heard I could get money if I told on that himbo: Theseus!” And there goes the harmony. I heard an even more familiar voice. My hand facepalmed out of instinct.
“Hey Scout, made it before you idiot.” I yelled back, I didn’t bother to look at her.
“Aw man, I was hoping you wouldn’t show up first.” Scout grabbed a chair and sat next to me depressed.
“You already rich, why would you need the money?” I waved my arms at her like an annoyed cat.
“I didn’t want the money, I wanted to piss you off.” Scout smiled and put a hand on my shoulder.
It may have been harmony but dear God, the moment they saw Scout. It was rapture. When Scout Scrarcan, of the Scrarcan family walked in, I heard all their butts’ pucker. An even greater title wave of fear and plain, unironic worship flooded the room.
Even Ludus for a brief second lost her poise and showed an astonishment only matched by terror. If the Princess was royalty I guess meeting a Scrarcan would be like meeting a living God.
“How by chance do you know Miss Scrarcan?” Ludus asked me back to her stoic expression. Scout and I looked at each other and shuddered in embarrassment. I looked at the room of reporters and their recording devices. So many witnesses. I looked back at Scout, she nodded in permission but still in a resigned defeat. I had my last free breath and spoke.
“Well unfortunately, Scout’s my wife.”
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Author’s note: Yeah, Scout and Theseus are still married. And now he has to deal with Scout and Ludus, poor bastard. Thanks for reading. :}
Posted Jan 10, 2025, 12:29 AM UTC