I’m just crying, feeling so bad and disgusted with myself and the whole situation. Please understand me, I’ve never been to therapy, and I feel like maybe it’s because I grew up being beaten by my mom, who was abusive and disrespectful at home. My whole personality revolved around cleaning up after my family, and if I missed anything, I would get hit by my mom. Anyway, I eventually ran away and tried to teach myself to respect myself and stop allowing this behavior.

I am so sensitive, and I have no self-esteem. I cry every time someone disrespects me instead of standing up for myself. My boyfriend disrespects me all the time, as if he hates me. You can see from my other posts that he insults me, disrespects me, calls me names, and treats me as if I am nothing. I really hate the feeling, and I know I don’t deserve that. I’ve left him many times, but somehow, I always take him back.

My question now is that I am really tired of letting him disrespect me. I moved out from my parents, got my own place, and worked hard for it to ensure I would never be disrespected again. Yet I let this guy in, who literally lives with me for free, disrespects me, and thinks I’m an idiot just because I’m Black and struggling to find what I love in life, and never finished school. He thinks he’s superior just because he’s white and has a business. He talks shit about me to his friends telling them that i’m good at nothing. Like why is he even with me fr.. like why??? 

He’s changed in the last 5 months and is treating me better than before after a lot of arguments, but and then i saw this text with his friend in October. I’ve been documenting everything, and I hate remembering how he used to treat me. I really want to learn how to break up with him. I don’t care that he’s better now, I just hate that I allowed this in the first place. I deserve better, and I want to learn how to push my self-esteem up, break up with him, and never accept this kind of treatment from anyone again. I hate that I feel weak.

AIO I’m really done!