I can’t stay away from the man that I’ll never be happy with.

Me and my boyfriend have been dating on and off for a year and a half. Our relationship used to be absolutely toxic and still kinda is. Only difference is he’s not cheating anymore and I’m now the angry person he used to be. He was mean and beyond disrespectful and would try to hurt my feelings everyday. We argue probably every other day but we always end up talking it out. I was never exposed to a healthy relationship growing up so trying to figure this whole thing out on my own has been the hardest thing ever. I’m so ashamed to be back with him just because he’s so immature and after everything I went through just to get away from him, I went back of course. Don’t get me wrong I’m not innocent either but I know for a fact that every argument isn’t my fault and shouldn’t be always put on me while he’s trying to act like the good guy. He can never own up to anything without me making a whole scene then apologizing for my reaction to his behavior. Mind you I’m bipolar and he knows that but it never seems to matter or click to him. I do see a psychiatrist and I started doing that for our relationships sake because I know I can be a bit much, normally I don’t make a scene until I’m worked up and given multiple reasons.

Im probably not gonna leave him since I’ll just go right back so it’s just a waste of time and hurt to me. We do have a lot of good moments and I do feel that this could be fixed. I’m just not happy right now and I guess I’m just asking if anyone has advice how I could better our relationship or even me. Please be kind tho, I know I’m stupid for staying I’m never failed to be reminded but at the end of the day I do love this guy and I do want a future with him.