Hard night.. Depressed, strugglingk

Im drowning it’s been only 1 week since the day he made me break up (cause honestly that is the way I felt, he wouldn’t communicate, but also wouldn’t make a desicion”. 4 years (3 years situationship) All the time, the love, the attention, to be left a shell of a person I was and with no closure, he only texted once and felt like a business. I cant even stand to look at myself I have cried so much I have massive dark circles, my hair is dry, I lost weight due to this whole stressful month (extreme anxiety due to his ambivalent behaviorSometimes I imagine him now talking to another person, having sex and I re-break my own heart over and over, other times Im full of rage and I wish for him death or severe illness, that he remains unhappy for the rest of this life cause this pain in my chest is too much. I have to go to work, take care of my son, everything feels heavy, difficult, slow. You let the people hurt you? Was this my own self-destructive behavior? Of course it was… but that only makes the grief worse.