I think I’m in shock.

I had known to an extent that I was in an abusive situation, but I didn’t realise that what I’d been experiencing could be put into words so identical to my reality. Reading the stories on this sub, looking so similar to what I just lived through everyday for a year….i feel relief & validation, but also immense horror.

This has taken such a toll on me. Restrictive eating, not sleeping, crying all the time, feeling hollow. In one of our cycles recently I dissociated completely. I was catatonic with silent tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t remember who I was, where I was, couldnt lift my hand, recognize the movements in my fingers. I couldn’t figure out how to snap out of it. When I finally did and said I want my sister, she immediately started crying and said, “i’ve been trying to console you for an hour, but you don’t even want me”. I think that episode and those words finally led me to snap out of this.

Before this relationship, I already had experiences with toxic relationships, childhood trauma, undiagnosed ADHD, depression, anxiety. She was making me worse. I’m in EMDR now, and I take medication for the ADHD. I find myself wondering how I’m going to recover emotionally from this one. Feels like I have a mountain to overcome. How do I live with this new label, of what I’ve just survived? I’ve read through some of the supporting documents but the more I go through them the more nauseous I feel. Any kind words or advice would be helpful. I feel like I want to just type out over and over again what she did to me, like it’ll give me relief. I don’t know that it will.

I finally took the brave step and went no contact 5 days ago. It’s over for me. We fought for almost 365 days. I even put together a document telling her everything I did wrong. She broke up with me three weeks in a row, and the topic behind every breakup conversation before it escalated was her asking me “how can I support you as your father goes through surgery?” Finally she said being there for me was too much and that she wanted weeks of space so I could deal with it alone. I was losing my mind, I think. Completely lost my sense of self. I’m so excited to get myself back. But also ashamed and embarrassed for how far I’ve regressed.