Not sure what to do

Trigger warning

My husband is a wonderful man. Very hard working and I do my best to be a great wife and mom. We have 5 kids and they’re doing amazingly. I’ve fallen back into this situation a few months ago. Now I had our youngest 2 yrs ago. And I finally got back to my pre pregnancy weight. But I’ve actually lost a few more lbs. I see how hard my husband works and he’s always worked hard. He doesn’t know this but I took out a really high life insurance policy on me to insure if I don’t beat this he will never have to work again. Part of me doesn’t want this but the other part well wants to live with him but not at the expense of him working himself to death. He loved me being a stay at home mom and wife and I do also but it makes me sad. I’ve been battling this ed since I was 17. Looking at me you wouldn’t tell I’m good at hiding this. Sadly the only thing I’m good at is this and hiding this. I can’t talk to someone because I don’t want to be put in a crazy person category. I know he’s watching me more because he has suspicions but again I’ve fallen in and out of this so much it’s easy for me to hide it until it’s very obvious. It helps being short -5’3. And this worlds craz into fitness it’s easy. “Oh I just want to stay healthy for the kids and for you”. I just fuck I don’t even know, I know I have my priorities messed up but if I do this then at least I did something to help my family. But I also know how messed up that sounds too and how selfish it is but fuck I’m tired. These thoughts are just overwhelming. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know why I’m saying this on here. Maybe so no one I actually know tries to help me out. I deal with a TBI from a head injury that limits what I am able to do for work. I get overstimulated easily and can’t communicate or even walk when that happens. When I’m not overstimulated I seem like a normal resin. I don’t know how to do this. It’s been 6 years and I’m tired. Tired of migraines all the time and I’m tired of not controlling myself. This is the only thing I can control. And I hate it but I also am torn because it’s the only way I can help my husband enjoy the rest of his life. He can spend it with our kids and live a wonderful life. I don’t need to be here for it because I just add burden to it.