I (M23) was raped while in a relationship (F21) and I cannot stop feeling guilt?

Hi there, Throwaway account.

So, a couple of months back I was raped by a friend of mine. I had let them crash on my couch after a party but I was really drunk. I woke up midway through the act and completely froze. I’m currently in a relationship and it’s been great, this made the rape hit even harder since I cannot shake off the feeling that I cheated. Right after the rape I texted the person who raped and acted like nothing had happened. I guess I would hope that acting as if nothing happened would make it so that nothing happened. I still feel so guilty I did this and I only realized I had done this weeks later (my memory in the weeks after is quite muddled). I don’t know why I did this but I am sure I was raped, even if I told the person the day afterward it was okay.

After a week of the assault, I told my partner. I cried on the phone and was so terrified of telling her. She decided to comfort me and stay with me throughout this whole process. I’ve told a couple friends of mine but not anyone close to the friend who raped me. I’m honestly terrified of losing friends over this but I also have heavily distanced myself from this group. I’ve also not fully reported it to the police but they have been notified. They told me that in terms of time and lack of evidence it would make a very difficult case. They would hope that they could but from what they’ve experienced they said it was incredibly difficult to prove crimes like this.

What I come to Reddit for is that I cannot stop feeling guilty about the whole ordeal. I’ve talked to my therapist about this and they keep telling me that I need to convince myself that what happened to me was not my fault but I can’t do it. It’s been over half a year since and I still feel an intense feeling of guilt, especially towards my partner. Maybe it’s the fact that I texted the person who assaulted me, acting like it was okay or that I had cleared it with my partner. I’m not sure. My relationship is doing really well but I cannot shake off this intense feeling of guilt. I just got on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds for the PTS for the nightmares and anxiety so I’m hoping this helps.

Either way, I really need advice. I really hate feeling a constant feeling of anxiety and guilt around this especially when I know (logically at least) I didn’t do anything wrong (except from being drunk). I cannot shake this feeling of guilt, I’ve talked to my therapist about this but it doesn’t seem like enough. Maybe if anyone’s been through something similar who can help? Really. Desperate atm.