My ex use to get his friends to gang bang me once a month

Long story short i started dating my teacher and he was my everything, he was my rock through so much, he always supported and listened to me. So had an age gap of around 17 years and no one around me really understood our love but i was so convinced he was the one. One thing led to another and he took my virginity, sex was a lot different with him then i had expected he always came across so loving and caring but the man i was with in his bedroom wasn’t those things. I grew to think all his kinks and fetish were normal and expected of a girl. We were pretty on or off but when we were good it was the best thing in my life. (“rape”) Now to the “rape”… i’m not sure if you can really call it that because i kept letting it happen but right now it feels that way. The first time it happened he planned a birthday party for me at his apartment, lot of alcohol, games, music etc He didn’t invite any of my friends only 6 of his which i thought was weird but he played it off like it was a mature adult party. I was the only girl. We played truth or dare and i ended up drinking a lot. To the point i went to the bathroom to throw up. One of these men held my hair back and then got his cock out and started forcing me to suck it. It rly hurt being pulled by the hair, he has no respect at all for me. I cried for my ex and i kept screaming and no one heard me or so i thought…. he ripped my dress off and then dragged me down the stairs. i was in the living room and everyone one had there cocks out. I looked at my then boyfriend in the eyes, my eyes filled with tears;he had no emotion on his face. They started taking turns on me, each fucking my pussy and my mouth over and over again. it hurt so much, it felt like it was never going to stop. They punched me repeatedly in the stomach, put chillies on my pussy, called me a slut, making me call them all daddy. They blamed me for getting so drunk with a bunch of middle age men, told me non of them had anything to drink. It went on for hours. round after round just being thrown around constantly being fucked. then after they had each came in my pussy they took me to the shower. They each took turns beating me and pissing on me. Then it all just stopped. it was 6am and i just cried my eyes out. my ex cleaned me up and took me to his bedroom. he put bandaids on my cuts. he gave me so much love. He repeatedly told me how amazing i did, how happy i had made everyone. How good of a fuck toy i really was. I can’t believe it, i was so exhausted and in so much pain i fell asleep in his arms. I woke up so panicked and left his apartment and just went home. I didn’t have the guts to tell anyone what had happened on my birthday. He told me he didn’t expect me to get so upset by the whole thing and how women are meant to be treated like that. He said he was sorry and that he wouldn’t ever hurt me again. I got back together with him and then a month later they did it again….. just worse…. A lot worse, i broke my arm, had a chuck of my hair ripped out, had hot wax poured on me, i was tied up for 6hour with no food or water, forced to drink piss, beaten up so badly i would pass out. But after 2 years, after probably 20 gang bangs and rough sex i started to enjoy it. I started to drink more and more so i would remember less and less. i would black out and wake up with a full pussy. I would tell myself i couldn’t stop them but in reality i was getting dressed up for these parties, shaving my whole body; doing my makeup nicely…. i was asking for it. It’s been 3 months since i broke it off with him because of how he treated me, he was pretty abusive but i miss being treated this way, i know non of it was right but was it really a rape if i kept letting it happen. If i enjoyed it. Maybe all i ever will know is violent sex. I want to be raped again. I can only cum to rape porn. I’m so fucked up.