anyone else have an extreme discomfort with the body?

(maybe tw????)

we collectively have always felt a strong disconnect to the body even before we realized we were plural, and before we realized that we were trans. however i specifically feel especially discomforted by it.

for context, in headspace i am a 35 year old cis man. the body is a 19 year old transmasc (afab). there are so many differences between myself as i am and the body that i inhabit. i'm blonde, it's very dark haired. i have vitiligo, it doesn't. my eyes are multicoloured, its eyes are blue. i think the only thing we even have in common is the voice, which is androgynous (leaning masc).

so needless to say, i experience extreme distress when forced to acknowledge the body and the name it has chosen. i can't just ask people to call me who i am when i'm in front, because then i'm seen as delusional and told that i "need to deal with it". the only people who do that for me are my online friends.

i have slightly alleviated this distress by wearing articles of clothing and accessories related to my source, but it stops working as soon as i'm called the body's name or dead name. even my therapist calls me by it - i'm too scared to ask her to just ask us who's in front so she can refer to us by whoever is there at the time.

does anyone else, especially if they're fictives, experience this? and if so how do you deal with it? i am in need of serious advice.

tldr: i experience extreme distress when i'm reminded of the body i inhabit, or when i am treated as a singlet.

sincerely, aventurine, host of the arc complex