[QCRIT] Treasonsmith - fantasy - adult - 83k - 4th attempt

First attempt

Second attempt

[Third attempt] (https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/s/Gk75wyAY5Q)

Once again thank you so much for helping me with this! I've taken a break from revising this query while I revised the text itself, to make sure they were both still consistent.

This time, I've tried to set out the layers of the MC's deception more clearly, rather than starting the query in media res like the story itself. I hope this setup is less confusing - please let me know if it would work better structured the opposite way round (i.e. truth ➡️ first lie ➡️ second lie). I've switched out the name of her homeland for the name of the setting, as that seemed more relevant.

I've also clarified the stakes, as the feedback I got on the previous draft suggested that it wasn't apparent that the MC's dilemma is that she believes either her brother or her love interest will die as a result of her choices.

I vacillated between "might condemn" and "will condemn" in the 4th paragraph, as this is the MC's belief rather than a certainty, so please let me know if this would be more compelling as "will".

I'm also not sure if this goes into too much detail about what her plan is (i.e. deliberately bungling the assassination to avoid having to kill the governor, while still making it appear to be an assassination attempt), so please let me know if there's anything I can trim here.

--------------------

Dear [agent name],

Thayat Hesparren is an impostor twice over. To the islanders of Zansou, she's a new officer joining their militia. To the trading company who sent her there, she's an insurgent with orders to infiltrate the island's defenses and instigate a coup. And to Zansou's colonial masters, far across the ocean, she's a double-agent, tasked with exposing the company's plot. To make sure she remembers where her loyalties lie, they've taken her brother into custody, and he will pay the price if she fails.

Paranoia hangs over Zansou, but Thayat's military expertise and seemingly unquestioning loyalty to her new commander gain her the respect of her troops and the acceptance of her peers. Fearing that any slip-ups will unravel her web of lies, she nonetheless vows to keep the locals at arm's length – a vow shattered when she first befriends, then falls in love with, fellow lieutenant Achali Prenh.

When the company reveal they plan to assassinate Zansou's governor in a staged uprising and replace him with a puppet administration, Thayat volunteers to strike the killing blow. Bodging his assassination is the only way to expose their plot without spilling innocent blood. Too late, she discovers that despite the company's talk of peaceful takeover, their plan will plunge the island into chaos, with its loyal militia first to fall.

Thayat's always sworn she would do anything to protect her brother, but earning his freedom might condemn Achali to death. Unsupported by her government and unable to warn anyone on the island lest she be hanged as a spy by her own soldiers, she must decide what betrayals she is truly willing to commit.

TREASONSMITH is a tense, sapphic fantasy thriller which will appeal to readers of the Rook and Rose series and The Traitor Baru Cormorant and its sequels. It is complete at 83,000 words, and can stand alone or commence a series.

About me: I am a non-binary bisexual living in [place], and when I'm not writing, I can be found trail running, training towards my 2nd-degree black belt in karate, and playing miniature wargames.

Thank you for your consideration.

Kind regards,

--------------------

First 300 words (also revised):

Thayat Hesparren stepped onto the dock and into a dead woman’s life.

The wind whirled around her, dry and arid despite the tang of the sea. She had never gotten used to the air of these islands. Back home, it was heavy with the smell of plants and the promise of rain. Here, on the island of Zansou, it tasted of nothing but dust.

But even dust was preferable to the stink she’d endured for the past few days. It had been a mercy to finally escape the confines of her cabin.

Not that this place felt any less claustrophobic. Dockworkers and sailors pressed in on her from all sides, calling to one another in their lilting, birdlike accent, while militiamen in lacquered helmets pushed through the crowd, their halberds and muskets glittering in the sun.

A nearby thud heralded the unloading of her luggage, a single battered chest containing her worldly belongings. Well, someone’s worldly belongings. The only thing that held any value to her was–

No. She didn’t want to think about that. Thayat drew in a deep breath, as much to steady herself as to clear her lungs. Calm settled over her, despite the dust that caught in her throat, and she turned to pick up her chest.

Someone plucked at her sleeve. “Alms, mahandrazelle?”

Thayat jerked away before she realised what she was doing. Was this a robbery? A distraction, while some accomplice picked her pocket? Oh gods, if they found what she was carrying…

She turned slowly, a frozen smile settling across her face.

The hand on her arm belonged to a wizened little woman whose strength belied her scrawny frame. She peered up at Thayat from beneath a scarf so ragged it was more hole than cloth, then dropped her gaze.