1st time sharing it publicly

Wanted to share (18m)

So, there's this girl I've been in love love with since a few years. I did get rejected (5 times) but every time I'd think of giving it another shot having no self esteem whatsoever. We became good friends since 11th standard. Would talk and text frequently and became really comfortable with each other. All this time, I've been trying to move on but simply couldn't. We'd even exchange flirty texts, which I started but eventually it became very mutual. So one day she told me to write something cheesy and I wrote her a poem about how I could never move on from her even after trying for so long. Now, the next day, she asked me to meet at the school library. I went and sat next to her and she asked if I meant what I wrote, and one asking her that was she gonna propose to me, she told me that it depended on what my reply would be. So apparently, she needed a bf cause she wasn't dating for really long and from her words I interpreted that I was a viable option. I told her that I would want her to come to me not when she wanted any guy but 'me'. That's where I screwed up. She thanked me and left. After that day, I felt like I messed up big time cause the girl I was trying to convince for so long was so close. And so I gave up on all attempts of trying to move on and went all in cause I started to believe that I had a chance with her. She'd still flirt with me but every once in a while would remind me that we could never be a thing which'd definitely shatter me. Amidst all of this, in January last year, we kissed. On 4 different occasions. When it 1st happened, I didn't even wanna bring it up later but she herself texted that it meant nothing to her and that it was just an experiment. She did ask me every time if it was messing up my mind and I denied cause I didn't want it to end. The last time, we almost got caught and decided to stop. We were still in touch. By this time, I would throw her with a "you do have feelings for me but you're in denial" and she'd call me delusional. But in my mind, that one thing kept resonating. She kissed me, and it felt so real. After we'd kiss, she'd hug me, clutching into me tight and we'd stand in silence for God knew how long before we'd let go. I was in love with her. Then one day, she told me that she doesn't remember ever giving me any hints that she liked me. I haven't spoken to her since. We used to meet in class but I'd deliberately avoid her. I one day wrote about all this, and blocked her saying how used I felt. I Then she reached out to my best friend (our mutual friend) after one incident and told him that I was being bullshit and that she would always ask that if I was okay with it and she'd stop the moment I said I wasn't. My friend said that we were equally faulty and then never bothered to reply to the texts I left him cause he was too busy with his own relationship. He forwarded me the voice note she left him. I swear it was the same of what I told him, the only difference being that she yelled each word. But apparently, I gave him a one sided story till now. He recently apologised to me, I told him it was okay but deep down I know I'll never be able to forgive him. He never bothered to listen to me, on the night I needed his validation the most. I suffered from fever for the next 3 days. To speak for that girl, she now reached out to our mutual friends and tells stuff like I never loved her but just her body, and what she wanted was something purely platonic but I was the one who'd always bring feelings in between, and that I was a lying jerk for whom she wishes everything bad that comes my way. Also the fact that I feed on the validation of others.

I was wrong to take her no and move on. But was I equally as faulty as her? I know I drained away my self esteem. It bothers me a lot. And I don't know maybe subconsciously is affecting my accademics