General confusion and anxiety around eating

The seasonal depression is hitting hard lately. I am having a lot more episodes of overeating and I try to give myself grace, but I just end up eating more and more. I'm trying to dive in and try to feel my emotions but I'm dealing with so much stress at work and my relationship I just end up doing worse.

Just feeling confused and lost in general and so upset at not knowing what normal is anymore. I try not to track my food and then my brain thinks it's a free for all. I try to track and my brain feels restricted. I know sugar doesn't feel good in my body and my brain but I feel an emotional pull towards it so often. It just feels so weird and overwhelming and I don't know how to deal.

I'll just end by saying something that may help others and that I'm going to tell myself now. This behavior is not me as a person. The behavior doesn't align with what I want for me but I'm going to work on assuaging the guilt and shame associated. I am not a bad person because I indulge in self harming behaviors (binge eating is a form of self harm, it's a hard truth but it is the truth). I'm who I am right now and I don't need to change or be a certain size to be a worthwhile human being.

Idk if anyone will see this but I just feel like I need some love. I'm over my threshold of stress and when I get there it seems impossible to cope. I'm either frozen or when I become unfrozen the next thing I know I'm eating two pints of ice cream.