one fixable thing, but i feel like its all over.

i don’t know how to start, so i’ll start simple. i’m really self-defeating, even over small things. like, if i don’t do the dishes, i can’t go to my guitar lesson. all i hear is, ‘you can’t go.’

anyway, today felt like the beginning of an end.

i was a “gifted” kid in tennessee, almost skipped 1st grade, but my parents wanted me to have a normal experience. at 8, i moved to arkansas with my mom, stepdad, and ‘cousin’ (actually my sister). she repeated kindergarten, i failed the gifted test.

at 10, we moved to pennsylvania. school was ahead, i was behind. covid hit in 4th grade, i was alone, struggling, and already s/hing. middle school sucked—bullied, faking sick, hospitalized in 8th grade. things only got worse.

at 14, i found out i was adopted. rough, but i moved on.
freshman year? not bad. high school, friends, marching band. careless? sure. but life was good.

...

until today.

i was excited—we were picking schedules. i want to be a criminal psychologist, to give misunderstood people a voice. sophomore year is when i can take the electives to prep for college. i was chatting about my future, then—

"let me talk to you outside."

in short, if my grades don’t go up, i might have to repeat freshman year.

it crushed me. everything i’ve worked for, gone. what college would accept someone who repeated freshman year? i barely remember the rest. i grabbed my stuff, saw my best friend, and went to the ‘chill out’ office. i knew she’d come. she always does.

she did. i told her everything. she said i looked at her ‘like a puppy,’ that she’d never seen me like that. because i’m not usually like that.

my mom talked to my counselor. they say i can turn it around, but something in me says it’s not worth it, and that my life is over. not in a kms way, just in a ‘rotting in my mom’s basement forever’ way. i’ve almost relapsed s/h multiple times since that convo. school already drains me, and the stress of fixing my grades is unbearable.

i know it’ll throw everything away, but i’m seriously thinking about dropping out asap. i feel like it’s the only way i’ll make it to a job. because i can’t do an extra year of this. y’all won’t get it, and i won’t even begin to explain.

i just don’t know what to do.