I'm bored with it all.

Like the title says, I'm done with it all.

As of late I've just developed this general sense of apathy. Our rights are being attacked, more people seem to be on board with seeing us as freaks, and the virulent rabid transphobia imbedded in most is fuming into society once again. There is not a single week I go without being reminded of this.

I started transition almost 10 months ago. It's been by all accounts great. I can pass reliably, and most people respect my change for the most part. Those who didn't, like my mother, have been limited on their role in my life.

I thought me passing and solidifying my own identity would be it. What I realize, is that the more I advance, the more the goal posts move.

Sure, I pass. This is an immense privilege that I acknowledge. At the same time, passing doesn't save me from the gender dysphoria that has ruined so many aspects of my life.

Every day I wake up, I am reminded that I am not like my cisgender peers. I was not raised as a girl. I did not face puberty normally, nor was socialized in a way that aligned with my identity. I cannot recount my first period, which as much as they suck, serve as a binding tool for all women.

And don't even get me started on the future. Many of the traits caused by the destructive cancer of the SRY gene will never be reversed. I will forever be infertile and unable to be a natal mother. There goes another experience I will never see to fruition...

Although I finally feel like I've scratched my way into womanhood, I can't help but feel as if I am merely on the farthest edge and most hidden shadow of it. My cisgender peers have been doing their whole life, me? Only months. Their identity will also never be questioned, whereas mine will certainly will. If it is accepted, some will still see it through a lens of illegitimate synthetic plasticity.

No matter what I do, I will always feel as an outsider. I'm certainly not a man, however, I feel like my womanhood stands on very muddy terrain. In this world of a gender binary, I often feel as a stateless soul, wandering in the deep canyon of despair that lies between the two sexes.

All I wanted to do is to be seen as normal. I am tired of being questioned, policed, and being seen as an aberration to the natural order. I did not ask for this. If I transitioned, it was because my options were to kill myself, or to kill the manhood in me. I opted for the latter, and while I am happier than before, one thing is certain.

This curse, which is in great part a curse because of our society deems it to be so, will forever haunt me. It did yesterday, it did today, and it will tomorrow.

Obviously, better and more euphoric times will come as I progress further.... however, I can't help but say I look forward to death. That beautiful, inevitable, and mellow fellow who will come one day, take me away from this world, and bless me with the eternal peace I so often crave for.