Feeling shitty and like a loser

It’s been close to 2.5 years since that I observed that there is nothing good happening to me.

It all started mid 2022, I was sitting for intern drive at my college. Really anticipated for a SL but didn’t get. First blow I took with humility promised myself I will work hard to get back during placements. Will have many other opportunities ahead.

Right after I receive another bad news from this girl I was seeing. With some complications from her side I morally hesitated to make a move, while trying to righteous I see she gets wooed by another guy who cheated on his gf to be with her. I still let it be and am happy for them saying love is love at the end of the day.

Later at the end of the year i decide to run for student elections at my college. I put in all my efforts with learning about the role, campaigning doing politics and be righteous and honest thru out. Believed in what elders say bout ‘truth always triumphs’. I was definitely the better candidate for the position but was obviously over looked. Amongst the dirty game of politics I lost as the most credible candidate. I still took the blow saying I haven’t played the cards right, probably it was not meant to be.

I secure some decent intern which I join before my final year of college. I decided to work hard enough to get a PPO from the company. However the first day I get a reality check that there are no FT offerings for interns. I still was trying to hopeful and took a lot on my plate during my time there and gave my best. I had the most unsatisfying last day at the firm where I just walked with nothing.

I came back and geared up for college placements. Having been hit with the recession the chances for the good companies to come have already skimmed to slightest chances. And I fight with some of the brightest minds in the country for each of them (in case I haven’t mentioned I come from a top IIT). Nearing December and only one bleak opportunity at hand I was devastated. Then there was the damsel in distress, one of the MBB firm is ecoming exclusively to hire from my dept. I was happy but however worried becoz the interview was scheduled 2 days after my CAT exam, last one week before the exam I took the hard call to prioritise preparing for the interview over CAT prep. Given the most decent CAT attempt and went in fo r the interview.

I was very nervous however amongst 13 candidates who made it there, my first round went very well and I was the only candidate to be fast tracked to the next round. While the next round too was exceptional all of my peers were also confident that I am getting the job. However in the end final interview with the director there were 3 ppl. I was in priority so I went in first. Had the most basic hr interview, I thought I prepared well and delivered well. I came out almost convinced I will get the offer. While the remaining ppl finish the interviews and as we discussed I felt mine went confidently well. However, to my surprise I was t offered the job. I was devastated one again. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Later my senior from the firm calls me to tell that I wasn’t preferred for the role as I seemed more outgoing and inclined to the front facing role at the company (this was a research role). I have taken some optimism with this incident and moved on

Next incident was basically a small company came for BD role SL me to final round, and during the chat with the CEO, he felt that I deserve a better role than this and requests to come to office to discuss more. I visit the office and meet the CEO, he lures me with all I can do at the company and offers me a job. I made the mistake to not talk about compensation, later the HR fucks me over saying they will only offer what was intended initially. I tried to deliberate saying what seems like a founders office role deserves higher pay. HR doesn’t negotiate and I decline the offer.

I secure another internship that was offered with the condition to convert full time after I graduate. With decent pay and prospect of the firm I thought it was a good landing. I work really hard for 3 months hoping they will convert me soon. There are no talks about it after the first meeting, and during the end of third month I had to take a break for CFA exam that I was preparing for so I asked for a break and ultimatum reg the FT Role. They responded saying let’s meet again after the exam we shall have a better vision to our project. So I take the break and prepare for the exam.

Day and night grind, stressful times, sleeplessness and absent social interactions, all just to clear that exam. As I neared the exam I was really scared felt under prepared, but I gave it my best. Right after the exam got over I got back with the company ppl, they seemed off with the offer… they kept stalling for a month and finally denied a FT offer due to project mismanagement. Immediately a couple of days later I get my cfa result. Not passed; literally close to the passing border I lost my chances to clear the exam.

I was back to square one! Since then I try to apply for so many jobs that suits my profile. The company’s req are insane. Nobody wants freshers and nobody is there to value what I have done through out. I get a couple of interviews for which I made it till the last round only to get rejected. I don’t even get any feedback.

almost 7months since I graduated and ave not worked. I see my peers accomplishing something already while I lack behind. I don’t know what to do.. all this life a little luck would have blessed me with a diff outcome. Literally drowning in the unlucky lake, I am also losing all my ability and confidence to stay afloat. It also gets difficult at home and socially to show yourself. I don’t know where I went wrong and what I did wrong. I just don’t seem to be getting even an inch of luck to change this things.

WHAT DO I DO, W HERE DO I SEEK HOP AND CONFIDENCE. HOW DO I MAKE THESE TIMES PASS pls help!!

(REALLY EDGING INTO DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL)