Tips for rage?

Hi all,

This is my first time posting but I am struggling so please be kind🥺

I have been diagnosed since 2018, so I’m not new to feelings of rage (it’s why I sought out help). I started medication and have been in and out of therapy since then, and I have a solid team of doctors behind me, which I’m incredibly grateful for…..

But I’m still always angry. All the time. It is absolutely CONSUMING me, every minute of every day. It is debilitating. Even when I’m not “angry”, I’m IRRITATED, which then inevitably leads to rage with the littlest thing(s). And then I will snap at loved ones (re: husband and kids get the brunt of it), which makes me feel even worse and then I spiral even more because I don’t like how I act when I’m angry (screaming, storming out of rooms). Even if I’m containing screaming/acting out, I am still visibly angry/irritated, and I know they are walking on eggshells around me (which then adds to the list of shit I feel bad about and ruminate on).

They deserve better, that’s all I can keep thinking. I’m in a lose-lose, here. If I abandon them (in any way, alive or dead), it affects them. If I stay, it affects them. What is the lesser of the two evils? Would they be better without the constant anger and walking on eggshells? But who else but their mother would love and protect them in the same fierce way I do?

I try everything and it feels like it never works. I workout, eat (somewhat) well, go to bed at a reasonable hour, take my meds on time (and as prescribed), drink a bunch of water, journal, etc…… but nothing seems to lessen the inner turmoil I feel. The only thing I am not actively doing right now is talk therapy, and mostly because (1) insurance - no $$, and (2) I’m tired of talking about the same shit. I don’t want to talk about the stress of my day to day life and what little thing triggered me today. I know my triggers. I know the coping mechanisms. Talking seems futile. I’m tired of talking.

I’m just maybe looking for some solidarity or to hear that I’m not alone…. Or literally any tips that helped you deal with it? I have a grip on every other emotion but that rage…………

Thanks for listening <3