Ex

After all the drama, chaos, manipulation and gaslighting. Going through extensive therapy with my Psychiatrist. I have wondered how you have been. I have wondered did you ever love me? You said you will love me the way you know how. I was worth you said. 3 months of no contact, I was a mess. I felt dead, I was on a autopilot without a soul. Curled up in a ball tried to make sense was it all me?? The I remembered, you told me (Yes, it was all you. I have played over and over my head. Could I have done better, was it really all me at fault. During my isolation, endless tears, agony, sleeplessness at 4-5am without sleep. Deprivation of sleep and love. I was lifeless, breathless yearning for your word. A hello, a text. I have played it over my head, if you do message me. What would I say, how would I reply? I jot down every single comment I'd say. Fantasizing them as recited them back to me. Each word, felt like it was a lie, cheerful, loving but really it was all pain, shame and resentment.Three months of no contact, I finally understood I don't want anything from you. There is nothing you can offer me. I have offered all of me & it got me nowhere but betrayal, manipulation and gaslighting abuse from you. I was finally healing, looking forward to my future. What I want from a partner, how I wanted to be loved. Then today I got a text from you. A text that said (Hey) I was happy, but part of me what obtuse. The hurt came back, the reasoning behind that text. I felt very disrespected & disappointed. That clearly shows the lack of empathy, self awareness and love. Why? You pushed me aside and chose her over me. You chose someone who missed treated you, laughed at you when you wanted to be with her. She used you for her own selfish reasons. And you used me for your own emotional gratification, the need for validation, the need for love and intimacy. You used me. That text itself shows you have not changed. You have not had any self awareness and even the awareness of my feelings or well being but your own. No, I will not reply to you.No, I will not reconcile with you, No, I will not have heart broken again by you, when I am finally able to love myself. I admitted, I have loved you before, but I love me more...