Can I please have a woman’s perspective on this ?

I [33M ]was with my [30F] ex-girlfriend for 10 years. I was her first in everything.

I recently found out that she cheated on me emotionally with a coworker. I discovered it a few months after she started “hanging out” with this guy. They work together. I noticed she had been distancing herself from me for a while and even asked to stay in a different city for three days to attend her company’s Christmas party. She told me she was staying with her girl best friend. I agreed, knowing that if she was cheating, I would eventually find out.

After she came home, I found pictures of her and this guy on her phone—we both had access to each other’s phones. There were about 20 pictures of them alone together. I contacted the guy, and from what he told me, she had said we hadn’t been together for a while. He claimed he had nothing to do with her and that she had confessed her feelings for him, but it wasn’t mutual. She blame shifted and tried any tactic to deflect and never took resposability that night when I found out. And I think she never did take accounability for what happened.

I want to mention that I wasn’t the best boyfriend. I was out of a job for a few months and got into gambling after losing a close friend. It wasn’t normal, but she stayed by my side, even when I told her to leave because I didn’t like what I had become. She chose to stay. Eventually, I found a job and quit gambling.

When I confronted her, she started crying and admitted she had feelings for this guy. She begged me to stay with her, and because I loved her, I did. Initially, I told her to resign, but she had just gotten a significant raise, so I said, “Okay, stay, but don’t see that guy again.” She agreed, seemed happy, and we moved forward. To reassure me, she even suggested taking a polygraph test. I agreed, and the results showed that she hadn’t slept with him.

However, after this, I became paranoid and controlling. Before, she had a lot of freedom because I trusted her, but after the emotional cheating, things changed. Despite this, she still expressed her desire to marry me and start a family. She often nagged me about proposing and claimed that was the reason she cheated—because I wouldn’t propose and didn’t tell her I loved her enough. I had planned to propose this year as a surprise, but life had other plans. As a man, I always believed that actions speak louder than words. I took care of her in every way—made sure she had food for work, supported her in good and bad times, and she did the same for me. That’s why this situation is so frustrating.

One day, I decided to record audio in the house because I had a feeling she was still talking to that guy. I was right. I overheard a conversation between her and another coworker. In it, she was talking about our sex life, and he was making inappropriate comments like, “It’s a good thing you can swallow,” along with other nonsense. She also mentioned wanting to have sex with the guy she emotionally cheated with and even begged her coworker to bring him to her so she could talk to him.

That crossed a line for me. Talking about our private life with a guy was disrespectful.

When I confronted her again, I told her to resign, and she initially agreed, but later changed her mind. That’s when I chose to leave the house. Despite this, we’re still in contact.

I don’t know if I I can’t stay with her, but deep down, I still feel like there’s a chance. It’s stupid, I know. She won’t quit her job, and I can’t let go of what happened. I don’t know if it’s about her job or about someone else. I’m confused. Honestly, I wanted a family with this woman—a child. In fact, in the past few weeks, we had sex and hoped she would get pregnant because I truly wanted a child with her. When we saw the test was negative, we both cried. It was heartbreaking.

What am I supposed to think? She refuses to quit her job but still wants to be the mother of my children. These two things don’t add up. I believe she hasn’t done anything physical with anyone else, but is that naive of me? I loved the fact that I was her first and that I thought I would be her last, but now, I’m not so sure.

Is this just desperation from both of us? I don’t think a baby would save our relationship—it takes time and healing. My mom never liked her, and now she told me that if I stay with her, she won’t come to my wedding or be in our future kids’ lives.

I’ve left our house and moved to a different city. The thing is, after the affair, we actually became more affectionate. She loves it, and so do I. I see the love in her eyes after we don’t talk for a day or two. But we can’t seem to stick to no contact—one of us always reaches out. I plan to stick to it this time.

When I see her, she’s a mess. The house is a mess. She doesn’t eat, and neither do I. We’ve both lost weight. She has always struggled with low self-esteem, and I didn’t help. I made jokes about her weight—not with bad intentions, just as a guy who likes to joke around. I never meant to hurt her. I always told her she was beautiful but needed to lose some weight for her health. She also snores loudly, and for a while, we slept in separate rooms. She says that made her feel used, like I only wanted her for money and sex.

Sex was never an issue—we had a great sex life. That’s why I don’t think she slept with anyone. Or maybe I am naive.

She recently asked for a break, but I don’t believe in breaks. However, I do believe that if I give her space to experience life without me, she’ll realize that a job isn’t more important than what we had, and we can overcome this together. Or maybe she’ll be fine without me.

She sent some pictures with this guy to her mom and her mom, who I respected and hepled in the past encoureged her with the affair. When her mom asked “ what about your bf, Mike(me)?”she said “it’s ok, his name(ap) is the same”. Is just wrong.

I think it’s a necessary sacrifice for us to have a future—for her to quit her job. I’ve tried everything—I gave it my all. But trust is gone, and that’s a shame.

After the affair, I became very different. I planned dates, kissed her early in the morning while she was still sleeping, told her that I loved her, and listened to her problems (she always said I never listened). The thing is, I tried a lot, even though I wasn’t the one who cheated, and I think that gave her the wrong impression. I feel like she doesn’t respect me anymore because of these things.

She thinks this is desperation, but in my opinion, it’s just me showing love—because I was never like this before. She says she loves this version of me but is afraid that if she quits her job, I’ll go back to my old self. That’s not true. If I saw her make a sacrifice for us, I would love her even more.

I believe I can live without her, but right now, it’s really hard. I need some advice.

Is it stupid to think this relationship can still be saved? Should I go back home?

I think that if I go back home, she will think I am a weak man and will not respect me ever again.

Can you please give some perspective? Is it worth it ?