im 23 and my existence is painful

i hope the parallel universe where my cis woman self exists is one where she's so happy and got to live through everything i never got to

i'm in such a weird fucking position. my parents love me and they've always financially supported me but my mom spent the first year of my transition berating, mocking and insulting me (whether she didn't believe me or just hated my transness i still don't know). this was during covid. five years on i think they get its real but its back to deadnaming and he/him when theyre angry (fraudian slips i guess). they try but they do not see me as a girl, i am just their kid who they know is trans, but thats it.

hrt helps (i inject) and gives me hope and a sense of tranquility and helps me daydream about really feeling like a girl- but i am just so horridly dissociated all of the time from my body. im like 240lbs and still havent lost my "guy fat" and i feel so disgusting. losing weight and confidence and all will obviously push me towards feeling better abt myself... eventually. just hasnt happened in the half decade ive been "transitioning" (adhd + ocd + stress eating + whatever makes any kind of progress hard).

im so sick to death of myself and feel so, so embarrassed whenever my parents call me my real name because it doesnt feel genuine (less so for other ppl or course). i still "feel" like a guy bc i push these feelings of dysphoria down so deep bc im a mess when i let them hurt me.

the only time i really truly feel like myself are those tiny fleeting moments where i do attempt a femme voice and i get those "holy shit" moments where for a few words i sound cis enough for even me to believe it (i record audio for youtube videos so i'll sometimes just replay short phrases over and over again and wish i could sound like that all the time)

im openly trans on youtube, too (not like id be fooling anyone), with an incredibly supportive audience, and im so glad ive apparently helped so many people, but i feel like such a fucking fraud when the person who believes in myself the least is me. i got a lil cartoon avatar of a femme character i "play" which always feels good when my shit turns out nice in terms of my performance (ig its my version of online/digital rp as my girl self or whatever the fuck) and thats validating, but i cant be her. obviously. and it stings so badly.

im a tomboy and i use like one product on my eyes and im happy with that too i guess.

recently ive been doing the thing more where i imagine my alt universe cis self and what shed say 2 me if she were here and just how fucking different and cooler and put together she is. its legit the only way i can cope right about now because my dysphorias getting so much fucking worse and im feeling less and less like myself these days and it scares me so fucking badly.

i wanna be me and i was hurt so bad by the way i was treated when i came out and i think thats fucked me up so badly. losing weight and just seeing fucking me in the mirror is something im craving more and more every single day and i cant take this shitty fucking shell of an excuse for a body anymore like fuckin damn bitch

idk what the point of this was. i dont have anywhere to pour my thoughts and i would give so fucking much just to wake up tomorrow in the correct body with the correct voice. fuck!