I feel like a monster

I have been a victim to several heinous types of SA my entire life and gotten pregnant 4 times from it the past 3 was while I was in an extremely abusive relationship and was constantly drinking and smoking 🍃 I do feel bad for the fact that I lost those babies but I was 11-13 so I am find it sort of like a small blessing in disguise because I wasn’t in a good place mentally, physically, or any other way tbf.

This past November I was hanging out with someone I trusted and thought was a friend he kept pushing for us to be intimate which I did not want and didn’t see him that way but was too scared to argue especially once I realised that he was intoxicated and had been smoking 🍃 prior to me getting there and also he was drinking(he’s like 6’8 and works out whilst I’m only 5’4). I have expressed to so many people that me personally I do not smoke 🍃 and will never do so and also I don’t drink I’ll sip a drink but won’t get drunk especially if I don’t trust the person I’m around enough. He ended getting his way and didn’t stop even when he noticed I was crying and didn’t look like I wanted to be there (he’s commented on it during).

I found out I was pregnant mid December and knew instantly who’s it was as I typically don’t sleep with anyone and had been petrified since the situation happened but didn’t tell anyone the truth because I blocked him and wanted nothing to do with him since then but in early January I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. My ex I was with would beat me up regularly and the night before the miscarriage she had kicked me in my spine and also my belly. I feel like an absolute monster because since January I have been mourning my bump and the baby that was growing inside of me. I feel horrible who on gods green earth is okay growing a 🍇 baby. I have so much guilt around the fact that I miss my baby I miss talking to them, I miss them communicating back through cravings, I miss the shopping for baby bits I miss them so much but can’t shake this feeling that I’m an awful person for missing someone who would have had no dad because of his actions.