My (34f) girlfriend (29f) of three years has been tampering with my medication.

Sorry for the length. I have written this several times to try to condense it, but I just can’t work out what’s super relevant and what is not!

We have been together for three years and lived together for two. I have an ADHD diagnosis, she does not. I discovered this med-tampering situation in late December 2024, and our lease is up in June.

When we first got together, I let her try a tablet once or twice. She was a bit more chatty and confident, but that was it. Our relationship felt good. I was the ‘addictive one’, who regularly drank and vapes even more. She’d have a bottle of cider once or twice a month. No addictive signs.

My meds are 40mg slow release. They help me focus, stay motivated, and prevent me avoiding obligations/socialisation. I also take anti-anxiety meds, and the combo of the two makes my life tolerable and often even enjoyable.

Occasionally, due to a shortage in supply, I have had to miss a week or so of my ADHD daily dose. Coming back on after a break means I have two completely sleepless nights, and increased anxiety, until my body adjusts and the negatives subside and benefits stay. To combat this, I find it helpful to open the capsule, tip out as close to a half as I can get, take that; and then put the caplet back on, and the capsule goes in another bottle reserved for half-doses. I take that half dose for a few days, until my system is ready for the full dose. Sometimes I also do this half-dosing method for one day, if I happen to wake up late, as taking the full dose after 10am also stops me from sleeping for the night.

In early December last year, I had slept in one weekend and opened the tablet, to tip out some powder. I was surprised to find it was already half empty. I didn’t recall having done this recently, and anyway, why did I put it back into the full capsule bottle? I dismissed it as me being forgetful, and just took the halfer. A few weeks later, after another lazy morning, I did the same tablet opening thing. Again, it was not a full dose in there. I was baffled. So I opened another. It was almost empty! I may have anxiety, but I don’t really have anger, or suspicion.

So I walked over to my partner, who was chilling on her phone on the sofa, and half-laughingly held out my hand for her to see the meagre dust in my palm, saying, “Babe! Look at this! The pharmacy is fucking with me!”

She looked up and a slow guilty grin spread over her face.

It took me a moment to process it.

She said, “Ohhh. I’m so relieved that you discovered it. I had wanted to quit so bad, but I couldn’t, and every day I had hoped you’d find out.”

Everything inside me went blank. I said I had to go to the bedroom to think. Well, hours went by with all sorts of emotions going through me. Eventually, she quietly knocked on the door and said, head down, “I think I’m addicted.”

I was empathetic and patient and tried to talk it through. She wasn’t giving me much, and I put that down to the extreme guilt and pain she must be feeling - she had betrayed the love of her life, compromised the relationship, put both of us in physical and psychological danger. She didn’t say a lot and then she went in the other room. I heard the tv come on.

I stayed in bedroom until evening, trying to sort through my tangle of feelings by writing down some questions. While I had empathy for her because she must be feeling so awful, I also knew myself - I’m always too quick to forgive, and end up being mistreated and even abused as a result. I wanted clarity. I needed to know everything so I could make a well-thought out decision about how to move forward.

I gently asked my questions, trying to balance my need for answers with whatever she herself must be feeling.

She’s never been good with discussing emotions, so I gave her time and was patient. But I couldn’t get clarity on how long she’d been doing this (1 month? 2? 3? More? I still don’t know to this day). I also couldn’t get an answer as to why she’d started in the first place. And how she could put me, herself, and our relationship at so many levels of so many risks. All I got was, “I kept thinking each day that I’d stop.” I asked, “But did it not cross your mind at all, the potential damage you were doing to me? Did you not feel awful for doing it?” “I kept thinking each day that I’d stop.” My final position was that I forgave her - as in, I’m not going to carry a grudge; for my own mental health more than anything. But I did tell her - whatever I think or feel now, I can’t control how I will feel tomorrow or in a week or in a month. Everyone who knows me, knows I find it incredibly difficult to move past being lied to. It just unfurls my entire world- how do I know anything you said before, and anything you say in the future, will be true?

So a week went by and nothing in our relationship had outwardly changed. I did not see any remorse. I saw no attempt to reassure me that she understands what she did, and the impact of it on me. And it all started to unravel in my head.. Had she been lying about other things? Like how much of the rent/bills I’m supposed to pay each month? Does she even care about me? Is she even sorry?

The next weekend, she was on the sofa and wouldn’t make eye contact. She was very hesitant, head down, and said she wanted to ask me something but didn’t have the courage. I was so so gentle and reassuring, coaxing her for half an hour, it’s okay, you can ask me anything, you can text me if you like? Eventually, she got up the courage and said, “Can I have one of your tablets?” I was speechless. Dumbfounded. I stumbled for words. “Umm, let me be blunt - I don’t think it would be responsible of me to say yes. So the answer is no.” I started to explain to her my feelings about this situation, as diplomatically as possible. How I felt being asked this question, only a week after I’d told her she’d put everything at risk.

“Um, you don’t need to keep talking. You gave me your answer.”

Speechless again, I just went to the bedroom again.

I spent the next few weeks tormented, confused, heartbroken. She spent the next few weeks laughing, joking, talking about future holidays we’d go on together. I was in purgatory, being dragged kicking and screaming into hell. But outwardly I just did not know what to do.

Two weeks went by of me having vivid nightmares, insomnia, anxiety cramps, chest pains, trying not to cry on the bus on the way to work. Eventually I couldn’t take it any more. Through racking snotty sobs, I told her - “I’m heartbroken, I’m not sleeping, I’m anxious all the time, I’m questioning our entire relationship; I’m not sure I can stay in this; you don’t seem to even notice or care or feel bad or anything about what you did, anyone looking in on this would call me a fucking idiot for staying.” What do you think she said?

“I thought we were past this.”

Well it’s been 6 or so weeks since then. She has still acted like everything is normal, and I have outwardly played along, resigned to the fact that the relationship is over, and probably never really even existed to be honest. My heartache has subsided and we just live side by side like flatmates. In my head I’m single. It’s only in the last week, since I became firm about being fair with our finances (surprise surprise, she used me for that too) that she has become sullen and petty. Maybe it’s finally hit her. Or maybe she’s just pissed because I want financial fairness. Who knows.

Anyway, my question is - how do I handle the next couple of months before I move out? How do I ensure my sanity if she starts getting more petty? (Eg she is leaving her dirty dishes and clothes lying around; when she took the clean clothes out of the washing machine, she only hung hers to dry, etc).

FAQ:

Why haven’t you left yet?

My name is on the lease and it ends in June. I was also out of work from Sept-Dec 2024, so need to get my money in order.

Did you notice any behaviour changes when she was taking the meds?

No. None.

Why did she say she took them?

To feel focused and confident.

Do you think she has undiagnosed ADHD?

Not a medical professional, but I’ve worked with children and adults with ADHD for 13+ years, and I don’t see it.

TLDR: Gf was secretly tampering with my ADHD meds for months, resulting in me taking inconsistent doses all that time. She does not take any responsibility or even acknowledge the problem. In my head, it’s over, but I have another 3 months before the lease on our flat is up, and I need to stay until then to save up money. How do I stay sane?