not "helping" my mother ?

I don't remember most of my childhood, just I was the product of a yelling marriage. Ever since I was 6, I encountered my cheating father and a deranged mother, she would sit by the window, crying all day long about what went wrong and my father would ignore her presence as he never wanted to get married to my mother on the first place. He would hit her, throw things around the house as he pleased. My mother had a sharp voice, I hate to admit- she would yell quiet often while talking to me ,her tone used to be so loud, that I would go numb at times, or maybe I was too sensitive. I would never know.

Soon it was a daily affair, I would encounter their physical and mental abuse for each other. Sometimes vague actions, too 'extra' at times, like this one instance when my mother called my father's colleague asking her if she and my father were having an affair, because she suspected them to be having one. This ruined our family's entire reputation in our community and my father's workplace. We had bought so much to our names that the kids in our neighborhood no longer wanted to play with me.

Although, I choose to ignore most of it because my parents gave me food, shelter and clothes to live off, which I believe I should quit complaining about and focus on the future. Now, I am 16, quiet grown up and soon to move out, and I never really addressed a concern to my parents. I really don't know how to address this. Back in 2022, I was heavily bull1ed at school for hanging out alone often. My trauma response is to shut down and ignore the issues, which almost costed me my life, it escalated so much that I fell into deep depression and my grades fell apart. I don't know how, but my parents never really noticed, or maybe it's my fault for not telling them whatever was happening to me because I was ashamed. I was ashamed because I was uncomfortable to talk to them about my problems as they would tell me to "go and get over it" every single time, when all I wanted was I hug and to be consoled and told that "everything will be fine". I tried to unal1ve myself on 25th November 2023 and my parents still didn't notice....They continued to tell me off by scolding me for my falling grades and beating me over them and I never really got over it, I feel like a terrible person for still thinking that my parents could have helped me better, and I did everything for me and no one is ever coming for me if I face this situation ever again as of today.

As of today, 2025, I have gotten much better and I decided to talk to my mother about it today just to heal myself and clear out any misunderstandings or maybe I desperately wanted to believe that I was misunderstood about everything in the past. My biggest blunder.

The conversation ended with her telling me off that "You really have too many expectations from others, while you do nothing to "help" them. Did you come for me when I was in pain ? Did you help me when I was in constant fights with your dad ? You never told me your problems, how can we help you ? also, everyone has to help themselves eventually. You (aka me) didn't ever do anything for anyone."

These words have been echoing in my head from past 2 hours, when all I have ever tried to do is be kind to people and help everyone in need,and not be the epitome of my pain. She wanted to me go tell my father off, while he would talk bad about my mother to me. He was a physically abusive man and he would have done anything to me if at all I supported my mother. So, I chose to stay away from this. I was 10. I am still sorry to my mother to not be able to help her by telling my father off because I was scared of him. I couldn't do much for her, except listening to her vent to me. I remember promising her that I would take her away from this place as soon as I got older, I couldn't do much at the time because I was financially dependent on my father. I still remember our promise.

I don't know what to make of this.

Am I at here ?