to my first ex.

im sad . im so fucking sad. do you know how many people i flirted with tonight? how many people flirted with me? how many people i kissed and how many people wanted to take me home? it wasn’t a lot… three! three maybe… three might be a lot for one night… i dont know. but God while they were kissing me and my neck and telling me how good they would fuck me or treat me i just couldnt stop thinking of you. how cruel is that? how cruel. you think because you warned me… because you let me go for MY sake… that what you did was kind… it wasn’t kind. you weren’t kind. you made this huge decision on your own and tried to make me feel like i had a say in it when i really didn’t.

but God do I miss you. I miss you. so so so so much. so much it hurts. so much that once in a while i have to pretend i hate you and your guts when really God I wish you would reach out to me—like me enough to read between the lines to get an inkling that i want you to patch the bridge between us. but you’d never get that. and you would never do that… because you’re too nice. you’re a nice guy. and fuck me for ever loving a nice guy.

you haunt me horribly. i think of your smile. the way you say things. when i see litter you always pop into my mind because you hated litter and picked that shit up. i miss you saying dankeshea. i miss your blank stare… and your yearning one. i miss your hand gestures. the faces you make. i just miss you so. so much.

i just need to know that you dont miss me. i need to know im alone in this and that im being an idiot and that you honestly can’t care less. i need to know. please… let me know