I’m fat and because of that am ugly and it pisses me off when my friends lie and say I look good when I don’t

I’m fat which is something I’m very unhappy with. I’m working on healing myself and my mind so that I can be healthy but for the time being I’m still fat. I look at pictures of myself and feel disgusted with how I look, I feel bad when people have to be near me or touch me or when I have to touch them. I’m currently in a medical assisting program where once a week we have to practice vitals and injections on one another and I always feel bad that they have to touch me or have me touch them. I feel disgusting and have this romanticized idea of what life will be like when I’m smaller and I just can’t get out of my head about it. I feel deformed and ugly compared to others, even other plus size people. I’m grateful for my body and its ability to get me around I’m lucky to be alive and have the things I do but it’s just hard to not feel ashamed of myself. My ED caused by childhood assault has been my way of surviving, but I still can’t help but hate myself and my body and idk what to do about it. Being obese is very complicated and hard to navigate around and I know that I’m hated by society and I understand why, it’s because I’m displeasing to look at. Idk what writing this was going to accomplish other than a release of emotion but ya.. it’s just hard I guess