Sad that I am still drinking at 42

Yesterday was my 42nd birthday and I got drunk and fought with my husband. It was a terrible day. I planned to not drink but I had drinks the night before that rolled over to the next day. What could have been a beautiful and relaxing day was ruined. My husband and I are having some problems..and I numb with alcohol but it’s like pouring gasoline on the problems. Today is what I hope is my final day 1. I am going to find in-person support bc I can’t do this alone. Feeling so defeated that I’ve been trying this for so long and I can’t seem to beat it. I am a mom which adds to the guilt and shame. Glad to feel less alone here at least 😞