A response to your handwritten letter I've kept.. P1

I'm going to try to do it in like sections..

1. Time-Travel 🖤
2. US 💫
3. Actions 💥
4. Last 🤯

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🖤

I agree on turning back time but I'd prefer if you just picked me up like way much earlier in life, like go back and somehow end up being my babysitter. (Ofc nothing sexual for years, but to me your more than a hole or a womb) But yeah if I could turn back time even if it the machine a low percentage of me actually going back to the right time, I'd still take the chance. breathe I'd try to go back to just when we met and I would have definitely not been your bf so fast. breathe I would have made sure that my peace was more complete so I could be more open with you, I would have found a new job or at least a part time second job to still bring some money in for when they downsized, I would try to clear up as many possible problems between our worlds as I could before asking you to be my gf. It means the world to me for you to have been my first and only real adult girlfriend... Which leads to the second part of it, what you'd not do. I won't say what you said but I think that's a lie, I never saw it that way. But I'm sorry you felt that way, or at least I've let you believe the BS from the world, I'm regrettably so.

💫

Speaking of worlds, I think our United World would be a big threat and problem to alot of people. Simply put I believe we can withstand alot and do so much. But emphasis on our worlds, I think that's were my concerns lie. But I realized a long time ago you were my world and without you what was it really anymore. I don't talk really anymore it's better that way. I can't lie, at times I've wanted what I saw on TV, but tbh I hate those relationships. I want a unique us, a us that can never be replaced. I hate that word replaced. I'm sorry but you can't be replaced, that's just how it is.

💥

I think this is a complicated topic.. We were in new territory as well as having a full blown pandemic as well as jobs being dicey.. I think we should have made a couple calendars and definitely sometimes instead of me gaming or you on your phone, I'd say actually look together at houses and trips instead of talk about doing all that. I think also our plan kinda back fired/maybe to fast or slow, it's just like the timing was off. But also I didn't ask enough questions, like did you even want to work when you moved? What type of place if so? If not then I'd expect more research/planning/options for different ideas you or we had, plus stay updated on news and socials. I'm sorry I didn't communicate better or have a good plan.

🤯

I saw you getting worse but like I didn't see it and still to this day don't fully see it your way.. before I continue, I was getting worse too and I'm sorry. When you came down it was mostly happy but I could tell I was even further out of reach asking your Dad for you hand..I could tell that they were being nice and care but at the same time they didn't expect it to work out.. it felt like there was also some tension between you 3 maybe it was just nervous/anxiousness.. I'm sorry.. but after that you saw what "state" I was in and I think only made you sadder and I wouldn't open up most times but also that sometimes just randomly talking to you somehow your ex's would get brought up and how I'm no better than them.. and it just kept driving further and further into me, like maybe I am worthless person lying and manipulating you, maybe not to cheat on you like you thought but just the thought of not being open and hurting you but also being open and hurting you.. I thought if you saw how broken up I am, really saw my weakness I'd be less and weaker man, because that's one thing you and your girls did drive home "a real man vs a fuck boy vs a fake thing". I didn't mean to lose myself and fall apart like that, but I really didn't have anyone but you and J that I trusted at that time to talk on a deeper level.. I was stagnat and I'm sorry.

I am sorry, but it takes to 2 to tango and I love being intertwined with you...

P.S. the reasons for the dots at the end was because I'm heater and I'd rather that not be a problem again..