9, 4, 6, 1 confusion (including various rambling, very unorganised)

After I understood what being a nine meant, I was sure that this must be me, although I despised how that felt. It fit with my childhood experience quite well. Forgotten and hurt, then a desperation to be loved and approved of and willingness to hide yourself in order to experience this love (though this more applied to specific groups of people rather than the general public, which kind of contradicts my so dom, perhaps I should consider sx again?). Yet when it came to those I didn't wish to get close with, I also felt traits that are more in line with 1/3 such as striving to be the smartest out of my classmates, correcting and arguing with others on basic opinions even when it annoyed them. But throughout my mid teens, I had changed a lot, and while I still retained many social 9w1 traits such as an heir of kindness and patience, not publicly expressing my emotions to their true extent, withdrawing from others in order to gain autonomy, being adaptable, I gained some motivations and experiences that feel more in line with 4s, and gained some more 1 traits whilst losing others.

One big distinction I feel from typical nine descriptions is that I am very in touch with my feelings and identity, and I don't avoid inner emotions such as sadness, frustration, or disgust, and rather constantly analyse and embrace them. I don't repress and lie to myself that I am not angry or sad, I feel frustrated on a daily basis and I embrace my feelings through my writing and beliefs. But like I said earlier, I don't embrace that in public just yet, although I am trying to. I have been writing a long letter about my feelings that I am planning to send when it's finished. However, I don't wish to neglect happiness either. I need a mix of both the good and the bad in order to feel whole. I can also relate to a desire of wanting to be original and special in my work and personality. I try very hard to make sure my writing has a strong story to tell, one that feels unique and authentic, inspired by everything I love but with a twist. I've gradually started to care less about how I appear to others, and once I get the truth out, I wish to fully embrace it with no regrets, but until then, it is suffocating trying to continue being superficial like how I've used to, especially now that I have a stronger and far more different sense of identity then when we first met. I am also very mentally dramatic and treat my feelings as something more serious than they actually are, acting like a sad, edgy poet when in reality i'm a "tired, silly man clown" or a "sweetie pie smart girl".

I also am quite a jealous person, feeling hurt and angry seeing people I am close to (not really, it's complicated) receive genuine friendships that they actually enjoy, or even worse, a healthy close romance I haven't reached yet (and that's quite odd considering the fact that I see most romance people have as too shallow and dull and would in theory only get into a relationship if I previously had a very strong friendship), although I don't act on it due to that feeling far too petty, irrational, and below myself (my hatred of valentine's day is completely nonsensical, why would I want to act on that?). For similar reasons, I can't relate to a nine's passive aggressiveness. When it comes to anger, it feels too below me to want to express as passive aggressiveness (unless withdrawing counts, not ghosting, but distancing) as it is the kind of thing I can't stand in others. I'm either going to say it all at once and clearly, or not at all, though because of that it tends to end up as not at all for a long time due to it feeling overwhelming to try so hard to convey all my emotions to perfection, getting everything I wish to say exactly the way I want it to. I put a similar perfectionism and high ambition into my work and dreams, putting lots of detail and effort, although this means I delay starting it more like how I said earlier.

My adaptation these days is much less than it used to be and is more rigid in nature. I am constantly focused on self improvement and trying to be the best, or even better, most favourite version of me, though it doesn't always end up working due to how much I have piled on myself lately, and how much has been piled on me by the world. I am also still quite moralistic, or at least somewhat. I am very opinionated about some things, able to talk about them for somewhat long periods of time, although at the same time, quite apathetic about others. It's either a lot or a little. Whilst I was more okay with arguing about morals and beliefs when I was younger, this has toned down more now, especially since I don't have the energy to argue with the people I am currently with right now, and before due to a strong conflict avoidance.

I relate to quite a lot of six traits as well actually, including analysis paralysis, overthinking, deep curiosity, low trust in others (although more in the low faith kind of way), and probably more that I am too tired to think about since I've been writing for far too long.

So overall, it feels like a quite a strong varied combination of 9, 4, 1, and 6 traits. Whilst I am still quite sure I am a nine, it feels somewhat off saying that due to all of these contradictions (but humans are complex creatures, after all). I want to know what ya'll think of this or if any of you can relate. Fuee hee hee!