Feeling guilty for my thoughts

I know many of you are a few months postpartum but here I am with a 19 month old full on toddler and the thoughts I have haven’t changed even though I don’t have them as often.

I find it so difficult to say it out loud and I don’t think I ever used the actual word for it out loud but I keep thinking of what would happen if my baby was gone, I keep thinking of ways to join her if that were to happen. The other day I heard a loud noise (someone was yelling) at work and I immediately thought what if there’s a shooter in the building and my beautiful baby who is obsessed with me would never get to see me again. I even dared to think that it probably would be better if she was gone first because then there is no way I wouldn’t follow her so we won’t be without each other for long; but if something was to happen to me first she would have to live her whole life without her mum. This is just one example but her being gone, ways that it could happen and ways that I could follow her is on repeat on my mind since the early days. I love her madly and she is as in love with me as I am with her. Nothing makes sense or has any meaning apart from her.

I’m based in the UK and was under the care of perinatal mental health team until I was 16 months pp, which didn’t do much to be honest - I had multiple assessments at home and over the phone and they kept telling me “try not to think of these things”. I’m not on medication but I wonder if that would be a solution.