Conflicted on Marriage

Salam Alaykom everyone

I am a young man in a western country, who is ‘educated’ (university degree), working in role with a graduate-tier salary. I have been raised to believe that I finish high school, go to university, get a job and then consider getting married. Alhamdullilah I have gotten over those hurdles and I’m at the stage now where I can start to think about marriage. Which leads me to this post.

In Islam, the man is the designated provider and the woman is the designated dependant. I am Islamically obligated to pay for everything (clothes, rent, food) and she is OK to stay at home. I am happy to accept this obligation on the face of things, but where I struggle currently is I can’t understand why there is no room for compromise. On my salary, we can live very modestly. We can go on vacation once every 5 years maybe and forget about every owning a home. I actually need to save every penny I make after expenses for 2-3 years to afford the wedding, mahr, and a honeymoon but I can do it sooner as my parents are able to help out alhamdullilah.

The thing that irritates me is I just can’t understand why I have to be okay and not question sacrificing everything, all for her to stay at home every single day. Ultimately I can cook and clean on my own, I don’t need her for anything material like that, I dont want a servant. I want someone to love and love me but why can’t I just say something like: ‘I am happy to provide all the necessities, and I expect you to work and provide the luxuries on your own’. The issue for me is that my family and friends have made it clear that me even asking that (before the marriage as part of talks) is overstepping my bounds and demonstrates I am not ready (maybe I am not tbh, I guess this is why I am here). Allah asks us to not delay the marriage, yet I cannot even provide.

Even my own family I was raised in (my mum and dad), they both worked and alhamdullilah I had everything I could have asked for in a childhood and support into adulthood. Why can’t I look for something similar? Is it my circle or is it me or is it society? Yes Islam makes it clear what the roles are, but can I ask for a woman who follows the example of our mother Khadijah RA? I will never be able to retire (forget retiring early) on this way. Allah help me and everything reading this may we all have a blessed Ramadan I just wanted to let this off my chest a bit, any of your comments are appreciated.