Chronic illness, no friends, no family, no future

Trying to pluck up the courage to end it. The only thing holding me back is fear of the pain.

I have chronic pain that's getting progressively worse. Currently off work, worried I won't be able to pay rent this month and will probably get fired because I have a lot of time off. Can only work part time because of my illness, also just got denied disability benefits so there's no way to live now.

My family abused me for years and are probably the reason I now have chronic pain, nightmares and flashbacks. I never got the chance at a decent childhood, and it's also ruined my adulthood, I'm not normal, I can't hold down a job, feel like such a failure. Keep trying to make friends but no one likes me, I'm ugly, I'm 27 and only had one "relationship" for four months. I bring nothing to the table, I don't blame anyone for not wanting me, but when I'm in city I get so sad watching people with groups of friends or happy couples holding hands knowing I can never have that. Life is jsut constant pain and loneliness, I'm depressed and because of my negative attitude no one wants to be around me, it's a vicious cycle.

My one solace is video games and writing but I'm constantly wrung out and too exhausted to write and enjoy hobbies. I used have dreams - I want to go travelling, maybe teach English abroad. None of that is possible now. Even without a disability it's ridiculously expensive to live in my country. I will never own a home. I will constantly be fighting to survive. I don't want to live this way. I want to be free, but since there's no freedom, death is the only relief.