day 23 NC with alcoholic father

they didn’t keep me away from my uncle. eventually they stopped leaving us alone, i think. i didn’t see him often. they talked so much about how bad he was and how perverse he is. they made a bigger fuss about him tickling my little cousin than they did when he tickled me. i really liked my uncle. he was nice. he was fun. they talked about him sexually so much that i started to fantasize about it— even think he was attractive. this started at 5. i don’t know him at all really. but i know that i was very young and left alone with him. i don’t know if sexual abuse happened— but im so frustrated with this situation where they’re the unreliable narrator for MY life. things i was too young to remember. i’ve been wondering if my dad molested me. i don’t think he did. but i think the fact that im wondering is enough to know how he makes me/my body feel. he was either trying (succeeding?) to molest me, or they were trying to convince me he would.

yesterday was my brothers bday. he facetimed me. the house was suspiciously quiet. i don’t think i’ve ever had such a calm conversation with him before. calm, equal, average. brothers. then my parents came through the door. i watched from above myself as i stared at my phone and my brother though it. we both dissociated immediately. i could tell they had been talking about me. pictures of me that used to hang in the dining room, my brother now had in his. i’m so glad to be done with him. i’m changing my last name.