Stuck at home, unemployed after graduation , can’t find a way out of this mess

I feel so stuck in life i graduated in 2024 and i am still unemployed …in 2021 my college life actually started as soon as i got into college i joined clubs learnt web development (frontend) then did 1month internship in november then stopped that due to college exams and college classes got offline again.. then by december end my health started deteriorating i was severely sick for 3months dec end to march .. then in april i finally went to college.. people said youve got so thin nd all ..i was fine meds controlled my situation then after one month of attending college i had my birthday i celebrated it with new college friends Whom i know they are not permanent and probably fake i was unlucky in friendship maybe because i seemed boring being an introverted person it is just hard to be completely open to anyone .. but i celebrated my bday with friends for the first time .. it was a bad day tbh it ended in the worst way possible.. then next day again i couldn’t get out of the bed i was sick just like before .. no one could ever find out my sickness nothing came out in reports i used to feel sad mentally & physically at that time .. mentally because of a female friend who started ignoring me after making cooler friend circle with a girl about whom she used to bitch before.. i used to related to the song archer a lot that time i used to cry while lying in my bed thinking about the how mentally and physically i am so unwell. While everyone out there is living normal lives and i am barely living…this time the disease was getting severe nd severe mumma already noticed that i was getting thinner day by day whenever i used to go to college she used to comment on my body and yes she was right … i got TB and after 10 days of my birthday things just got worse and worse i wasnt able to breathe because of a condition i developed due to which my lungs were filled with pleural fluid as a response to TB and day by day it got so hard to breathe i used to go to hospitals for tests nd all normal reports then waiting for reports i just got worse it felt like i might die because the fluid was increasing in my lungs at such a speed it got so hard to breathe when 3/4th of lungs were just filled with fluid and that time i used to think that few days ago i was sad about friendships career nd shit but now even being able to breathe seems like a luxury … for the second time in felt taking care of body is important ..but each day it felt like i am just one day close to death i used to feel so sad i wont be able to witness aurora how can i die without watching it.. but then somehow i survived i was on meds for 9months i took immense care of my health it was my topmost priority even my mom used to say your health is the most important thing jaan hai toh jahaan hai… the water was pumped out from my lungs ugh those painful days ,marks on my body it was worst time of my life.. it feels so sad that i have been in such situations admitted in hospital being the youngest there used to seem so bad to mee i was such sn ambitious hard working studious consistent patient person i was good at studying but my health it was not with me it went against me at the worst times and if that was fine then somethingg other than that happened in family due to which i was mentally occupied…then finally in 2023 i was in better state i gained weight that i lose in those 10days or more…but during this whole year i havent really studied anything other than just my college subjects just to pass exams …my branch was the worst one with worst teachers the highest cgpa used to be 7.86 ..the lowest i got was 5 lol i used to be good at academics i was smart and the college was a govt college but college was idk not that good for me…i was just on survival mode.. ambitions everything died i was also a part of same rat race now.. which i used to despise earlier i had big dreams i still have them but it feels like i am so far from it….but yes one year i did nothing much on my development nd dsa.. but in 2023 i got an opportunity from an hr who was a friend of my uncle he himself have seen me since i was a kid so he just asked me what i am doing how am i now (he knew i was sick in jan last yr ) he told me their startup needs ui developer nd all so i was like umm okay but i have been so out of touch i actually couldn’t remember the syntax of css lol but still i asked him to give me 7 days of time … i started making a project to revise and making a resume … then i was interviewed and given an assessment by founder and interview happened suddenly on day 4 only😭 .. i had very less time but i was happy that i got an assessment which i can easily do .. i made that webpage using frontend skills and i was selected for internship .. the pay was nice for me as a student and for only html css skills it was too good.. i worked there for 6months remotely it was a nice opportunity as the founder was based in usa and our company was under another usa based company so i was part of meetings with people from diverse backgrounds .. i used to feel so anxious for every call back then as i was not confident in speaking english because i generally speak hindi.. but i used to manage those calls well enough but before each call my heartbeat used to race …i decided to leave that internship after 6months when i saw that people are preparing dsa and applying for jobs and few companies are coming … so i decided to focus more on dsa now and learn more in web development … and left the internship for placement season but who knew lack of opportunities will leave us so demotivated to even focus completely on dsa or development , start or stop..we were so clueless hopeless inconsistent because of our incompetent tnp cell.. then so many tragic things happened again at the crucial time when few companies came when i should be preparing for tcs exams ..in december my dad met an accident and i had to handle so many chores of bringing groceries and other stuff… then when he got almost well.. my mother suffered from minor attack and paralysis like thing … due to which i had to take on a lot more tasks in home being the eldest sister and both my siblings were board students…so they can’t be disturbed and i had to do almost everything cooking washing utensils(later on i went on finding a maid our father is a very toxic man he doesn’t like to provide comfort to his wife or family he just wants everyone to suffer and do hardwork no matter how exhausted they are) from jan to march i was occupied with this…then had college exams farewell and bye bye left college jobless… but i was not that tensed…other family issues were in my mind that time…family drama my father i hate him..it’s a weird relationship ..he is not too toxic but he is a narcissist and there are so many things everyone in my family hates about him we don’t like his presence but he also gives us fruits after cutting he feeds us good food he does care about his kids but for mom he is so toxic and a loud person i am so sensitive to loud sounds because of him i am hypervigilant at times i woke up from my sleep in morning listening to his raised voice i went to protect mom .. things have always sucked i was rarely in right state of mind to be able to focus on just academics …i wish i was in hostel but that could’ve been bad too as my family needed someone in those times and responsibilities came on my shoulder being the eldest. After i graduated i have been upskilling i learnt backend too i made projects i learnt more frontend technologies properly this time i did dsa too though again i was not that consistent but i have enough knowledge … i started applying slowly in august/october when i felt i am ready to look for jobs i have enough skills now and i never wanted to settle for 4lpa jobs that’s why i didn’t apply to some opportunities in college… then i applied on career sites , jobs were less i was demotivated because of this and every reply was just a rejection mail … and about asking referrals i didn’t interacted much with seniors i wasn’t friends with them i am socially anxious and introverted so i didn’t have many connections with seniors..so at that time i didn’t think about referrals i applied through career sites which i realise now was a huge stupidity as resume go straight to black hole i hated workday applications but still i used to apply everywhere directly…since december jan i started asking for referrals, but again similar stuff happened mom fell sick like last year 20-30days got wasted …i wasnt able to focus got inconsistent and then in feb i tried to get back on track but my mental health was so fucked up it was hard to do anything still i pushed myself but then other dramatic stuff happened in life there is so much negativity around me suicides and depression i have been getting suicidal ideation for so long i never thought i would be the one i have always been so strong so full of dreams and ambitions i was good at studies too till 12th i got a govt college but luck was bad due to some dramas company didnt came only 2-3 tech based roles came ..i feel like everything went in vain the money my parents gave in jee cc ..i got a govt college my education was free due to scholarship but i couldn’t grab any offer and i used to think i will not work for such a low pay i am not a labourer i have dome internship which paid a fair amount why would i go for a job that pays 25-30k per month …but now even getting those jobs seems hard looking at the current scenario..the resume rarely gets shortlisted i did everything people said to secure career give jee get a govt college do few internships learn some core skills…still i am unemployed i used to say to my mom and even she used to believe in me that i will get a job it will be easy task for me they brlieved in me they used to think i was academically smartest child but now the house feels so depressing everyone is barely living everyone is just surviving daily even my siblings everyone needs therapy medicines but we can’t access it.. i wanna run away i wanna die but i am coward to do anything i am just stuck in these 4 walls and depressing environment.. i feel hopeless so underconfident it’s such a lonely phase i have lost touch with my college friends i just have a boyfriend but there are issues in relationship too which makes me feel mentally unstable at times i am just too low i hate that i feel so much and that i am so sensitive to everything feelings touch sound air i wish i was as strong hearted just like my mum is just like she aspects me to be she says i am too soft and in this world you got to be strong headed thick skinned but i am actually thin skinned lol😭 that makes me sensitive to cold too.. i feel pain in my chest and nauseous while writing this i was going to post it a month back but didn’t at that time i managed to exist …again lately i have been having panic attacks i freeze and get numb sometimes i really feel like i want to end everything but i wanted so much in this life i feel so sad …the gap after my graduation seems to be increasing i just dont know when will this end i feel so hopeless i hate this country already i wanted to escape but it feels like there is no way out now i have to apply to underpaying jobs too the companies i used to call chindi for exploiting people people are applying there too so i have to do the same but ugh i want to escape i want to work in corporate i want to make mistakes i want to learn from them but ughhh my introvertness i am so socially anxious maybe if i wasnt i wouldve grabbed an offer before but i was sooo naive and stupid ugh now the increasing gap just keeps on making me feel depressed…i do have veryyyy close relatives like cousins and uncle who are in this field and who once used to be in talking terms but due to their lack of emotions and many reasons i am not connected to them though my dad is once that uncle used to say dont go to tcs you upskill i have many friends in microsoft and other big companies i will get you a referral but due to some stupidity of his last year when he came from abroad to our house and spoke disrespectfully to my mom my siblings and me for a very stupid reason infront of my father and i did give him a reply which was just a normal answer due to which he avoided talking to anyone in our family apart from father throughout his stay . He used to say he will refer me and get me a job in Netherlands and i should upskill but when the time came i don’t have anyone and my father blames me for destroying or not keeping connections with these manchild s otherwise they would’ve helped me getting the job. My boyfriend says i should ask my previous internship employer if he could hire me again as i have more skills now and i was kind of founding engineer and did refer someone there he did really great job now for 2 years he has been there and they are impressed with him. But the main problem is - that horrible uncle’s friend is HR there and it would hurt my pride to fill their ego when they see my downfall and me being unable to land a job in MNC like them and going to a startup which i got a job in through his connection. My uncle used to live either our family since his childhood and we used to be close i was so attached we used to play but now things are so bitter with everyone i wish i had a normal family or i wasn’t born

TL;DR:

Graduated in 2024 but still unemployed. Struggled with severe health issues during college, which disrupted studies and personal growth. Despite challenges, secured a 6-month UI developer internship but left to focus on DSA and on campus job applications. Faced family issues, responsibilities, and a toxic home environment, making it hard to stay consistent. Applied for jobs but faced constant rejections, lack of referrals, and a tough job market. Didn’t get opportunity to even give an interview. Feeling depressed ,suicidal,stuck, hopeless, and overwhelmed by increasing post-graduation gap. Don’t know if this phase will end first or me