Gender selection abortion

12 weeks and had ultrasound. I was hoping I would feel differently after it. I have four boys that I love. I have had gender disappointment with each. I'm pregnant again and did a sneak peek clinical test that was a vein draw and a home test that was a snap test and had both come back boy. I cannot stop hoping for a miscarriage. I am debating termination. I hate myself for this and feel like a terrible mother. I am so depressed. Has anyone been through this? Please don't judge me.