Help me be better for my boyfriend

I was raised by a family that slut shames and shuns sex so I was always very uncomfortable with it. I got groomed constantly by older men over Omegle, Xbox live, and kik from the age of 10 and up. I got fingered by an older man at 12. My first real relationship gave me ptsd. He would beat me and raped me over 100 times in the eight months we were together. He was on steroids so sometimes it would be 6 times a day. I would fight him in the beginning before it got bad but kind of just realized it was easier to just let him do it. Whenever I fought towards the end of our relationship, he’d choke me so hard and long that I’d actually lose consciousness and I’d wake up to him still penetrating me. He’d always turn on futurama so I’d try to space out and watch that. I would usually end up counting his thrusts (usually in my ass with no foreplay, only some spit). It’d range from 4 to 160ish. I’m such a good girl that I’d take it all silently.

I’m a lowkey slut. I seem uninterested and platonic until you get me fucked up or talk dirty to me. Then I’m pretty wild and struggle to actually feel things.

Then I found my boyfriend. He’s perfect for me. But I started new medicine right before we started dating and it has zapped my sex drive.

He’s not pushy. He’s really respectful.

I want to please him but we only sleep together like once every other month. And now everywhere on my body feels so sensitive whenever he touches me that I don’t know how to react and just kind of jump away.

I know this isn’t the best sub for relationship advice but I want advice/input from people who are more likely to understand me.

Thinking about being forced or something really rough is the only real thing that turns me on whenever I think about it but it hurts too much/is too sensitive for me to enjoy now. My bf also doesn’t know the extent of things that happened and how I crave it. I’m 24 and in a perfect relationship but I’m so scared I can’t please him.