Stuck in denial I guess

My brother killed himself on Apr 25, '24. I hit a major depression for a month afterwards but then it kind of just became a back of the mind thought. For some reason, except for that month, I keep choosing to ignore it. It's almost a year and I know it's going to hit hard, but I still don't want to deal with it.

• I hadn't been in contact with anyone in my family since 2021 before it happened, but I still tried to contact his gf at the time to see if there was something I could either get or if there was a grave or anything. She said she would try but then she stopped messaging and I reached back out, she snapped and said I had no right "fake caring" about my brother's death, all because she found the texts from 3 years ago from a fight where the texts don't do it justice. Me and him had a disagreement, it lead to him saying he's put friends in the hospital and he wasn't afraid to do it to me just because we're blood. Mind you I was barely 20 (bday in Jan, this fight was Feb), and he was 21. So I left. The next morning while they decided to head out for whatever reason, I grabbed 3 big trash bags full of essential stuff and clothing, left a note saying I would be back in 6 months (thought I would, didnt work out that way) and walked away from it all. Our parents weren't helpful at all, even growing up so that wasn't an option.

• So the texts she found probably looked pretty bad. But it wasn't the full story. Either way. I still can't accept he's gone, and I don't know if I'm stuck in denial or just avoiding feeling my feelings. Because I do feel things, but I also see both sides. I kind of understand why he would do that, but at the same time he always said suicide was "the coward's choice", so it pisses me off that he did that. I also get that I don't necessarily have the right to feel a certain way just because I wasn't connected with any of them anymore, but also it's okay to feel shitty about it because he was still my brother? Idk. I just feel like I'm going insane trying to rationalize my feelings and the situation.