My pet goldfish drowned… so now I’m seeking revenge.

I woke up this morning and found my beloved goldfish, Greg, belly-up in his tank. Now, before you say “fish can’t drown,” let me remind you that Greg was built different. This wasn’t natural. Something happened to him.

Obviously, I tried to save him. I gave him CPR (turns out, fish lips are really small). I tried tiny water wings (he refused to paddle). I even played "Stayin’ Alive" on repeat to encourage a comeback. Nothing worked. Greg is gone. But I know this wasn’t an accident.

So now, I need the worst possible way to handle this. Should I interrogate my other fish until one of them confesses? Install security cameras in the tank and accuse the water of suspicious activity? Sue Poseidon for negligence? Hold a dramatic press conference where I accuse my neighbor of fish-related foul play?

Greg didn’t deserve this. Justice must be served. Give me your worst ideas.